All you need are friends to scare away the crazy
by brookeljames
Summary: It is along the lines of 'The perks of being a wallflower' so some parts are the same but i have changed a lot of it to. Fabray! Puckleberry, Pezberry, Brittberry and a kind of Marley/Rachel friendship :)
1. Chapter 1

**So this is the first chapter of a story that I might continue depending on if you guys like it or think it has potential so let me know please:)**

**not sure when i will be continuing it because i am still trying to get out of writers block with Lima Nut House. Im completely stuck on that and this just popped in to my head after reading the perks of being a wallflower (highly recommend it) and you know what its like. The thought just bugs and bugs you until you write it down :)**

**so anyway tell me what you like and peace :)**

* * *

She sat on her bed, tapping her fingers restlessly against her leg. It was her first day of high school tomorrow.

Middle school wasn't exactly great; in fact it was down right horrible. She was the _'freak'_ because she didn't talk often. It's not that she _couldn't _she just didn't want to.

It wasn't that she wasn't a freak because she kind of was, what kind of teen is on antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills? But the school didn't know that so they were calling her a freak for different reasons.

People made her anxious. Say when a teacher asked her a question in class, even though she knew the answer, she would stutter and her palms would get all clammy. And then once she'd managed to stutter out the answer and the teacher turned their back paper balls, erasers and pencils were thrown at her along with a few unoriginal names.

But she assumed high school would be better; I couldn't get much worse could it?

People in there should be more grown up. More mature. Right?

She jumped when there was a light knock on her door and her older sister, Ellie, peeked her head into the room "How you doing, kid?"

Rachel just nodded dumbly. She'd never really understood why she called her _'kid'_ there is only a four-year difference between them.

"How're you feeling about tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure how I feel"

"What do you mean?" Ellie asked, the familiar look of concern setting on her features.

"I don't know what I feel"

"Are you happy?"

Rachel nodded "And scared. And sad. But I don't think you can feel all that at once"

"That's normal. You're starting a new school tomorrow, Rach"

"But how can I feel all that at once? It's confusing" Rachel murmured, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them.

Ellie smiled, playfully punching Rachel lightly on her arm "You're ok, this is normal. But if it starts to get worse you come talk to me, ok?"

"I will"

"Ellie, Pete's here"

"I've gotta get going. I'll be back but eleven if you wanna talk then" the older sibling said, pressing her lips against Rachel's head before getting up and leaving.

Rachel sighed, getting to her feet and walking over to the window to see Ellie run out of the house into her boyfriend's arms. Rachel never liked him. She was always a good judge of character, she saw thing other people didn't and there was something about Pete she didn't like. The looks he'd give Ellie when they were having dinner, her dad never seemed to notice it but she did. She didn't know what it meant but she didn't like it.

She took a seat at her desk and pulled out her latest book_, 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time'. _

She enjoyed reading; she had a lot of time for it to. She didn't have any friends so she didn't have anyone to distract her but she didn't mind, books were enough for her.

She settled into the chair, bringing her knees up to her chest as she began reading from where she'd left off.

* * *

She shrunk into herself as she walked down the crowded hallway, her hands tucked into her sleeves and those shoved into her pockets. She hoped if she could look as small as possible no one would pick on her.

"Watch out, fresh meat" a large boy in a letterman jacket sneered as he shoved past her, sending her books flying cross the floor.

Sighing, the brunette knelt down to pick up her books. After taking a few bags to the side of the head and people trampling on her books she finally picked them up and headed to her first class.

"Nice bag, nerd" a girl snapped as she took a seat at an empty desk. She'd gone through this for long enough to know that there was no point in acknowledging the girl so she just took out her notepad and settled back into her chair, drumming her pen off of the pad.

"Alright class, I'm Mr. Marshall and I'm going to be your English teacher this year. The first book we're going to study is the amazing _'Of mice and men' _has anyone here read it?" Rachel stared down at her page, not wanting to say anything but she had read it. During summer.

"But first I want you to write a small essay about yourself. Just your name and what you like to do in your spare time. Maybe a couple of facts about yourself"

Rachel sighed, placing her pen to her paper. What could she write? All there was to know was her name was Rachel and she enjoyed reading? She could put down the fact that she was potentially insane but she decided that was a bit heavy for the first day.

* * *

Just like in middle school she was sat up the back on the canteen at lunch, by herself and she read her book. Every so often she would look up and scan the canteen but the one time something, or rather someone caught her eye, lunch was about to finish. The blonde girl was sat at a table against the wall with a group of five. She was grinning slightly over at the brunette girl across from her.

Rachel's lips tugged up into a sort of smiled. She'd never seem someone so beautiful before.

The blonde looked away from the girl in front of her, her eyes locking with Rachel's. The smile instantly dropped from Rachel's lips and her eyes shot back down to her book. She'd just been caught leering; she couldn't wait to get teased about this.

_'Hey dyke, stalking the pretty blonde now are we'_ she could practically hear it already.

Her eyes lifted over her book again to see the blonde still looking at her with a frown on her face. She didn't look mad though, more curious.

"Hey, weirdo" a voice growled and then her book was hit out of her hand, she was about to reach down for it but the jock bet her to it, ripping out the last couple of pages and handed it back to her with a smug smile on his face "Sorry"

Rachel just downcast her eyes as the boys turned and hi5'd his friends and walked off.

The bell rung and Rachel took her time putting her things into her bag; she didn't want to get caught up in the rush to get to class.

She enjoyed her next class, chemistry, she enjoyed most classes other than Gym and Shop.

She walked into the class, only briefly raising her eyes to look for an empty seat and noticed one of the people from the group the pretty blonde was sitting with, the boy with the Mohawk. She was pretty sure he wasn't a freshman.

"Ok class and Mr. Puckerman" the boy in front of her grinned at the teacher "This is chemistry. I'm sure you've done a little bit of this. I know _you _have, Noah"

"Good to see you to sir" the boy, Noah, said, leaning on her elbows on his desk.

A smile twitched on Rachel's lips. She wasn't normal entertained by 'bad boys' but Noah wasn't being a bad boy he was being more playful than anything else.

"The person next to you will be your lab partner. I introduce yourself"

"You'll be doing all the work. Understand, nerd?" The blonde teens snapped and Rachel just stared at her desk. Just like middle school.

* * *

Her sister had asked her to go to the football game only to disappear a half-hour into it with Pete.

She sighed and she took a drink of her juice and sat back down on the bench just as something happened on the field and everyone stood up. She stood up, purely because everyone else did, she didn't know what was happened.

A howl behind her made her turn around to see the boy from her chemistry class, Noah, yelling. His face pained half white and half red.

Rachel chuckled, looking down at her seat and glancing up at the seat across from Noah.

She wanted to go sit with him but her was a senior her wouldn't want her swarming around like an annoying fly, right? But he did seem nice enough to at least acknowledge her. Rachel took in a deep breath before heading up the bleachers and sitting across from Noah. Once the crowed had dissolved into a murmur she leant over "Noah" her mumbled and the boys eyes snapped to her.

"Hey, you're the Jew from my Chem class, right?"

"Rachel"

"Rachel. Right. How's it going?"

"Y-yea. Good thank you"

"You waiting for some friend or do you wanna sit?"

"Sit, yea" Rachel mumbled, cursing internally at how eager her sounded "You like football?"

"Love it. I did play it until I busted my knee. How about you?"

"Uh, not re..." Rachel was cut of by someone sat on the small space beside her and shoved her lightly with her hip.

"Any parties?" Noah said, not taking his eyes off of the field whereas Rachel turned to see who it was next to her. Her throat instantly tightened when she saw the blonde from lunch sitting next to her with her eyes on the field.

"Yup. At Sam's house. Now, who's your friend, Puck?" The blonde asked, turning her attention to Rachel with a smile on her face.

"Oh, right this is Labrat. Labrat this is Quinn"

"Well Labrat, we're going to a party after if you wanna join"

"Uh, a party?"

"Yea, you know the thing with people and drinks. The odd solo cup?" Quinn teased and Rachel's chest tightened thinking that she was poking fun but it want away when the corner of Quinn's lip lifted slightly "It will be fun, Labrat. Tag along with us"

"Yea" Noah cheered, wrapping an arm around her shoulder "We'll look after you, Rachel"

"Sure. I'll come"

"Great" Noah grinned, taking one of Rachel's nachos.

"Would you like one?" The brunette asked, holding out her bowl of nachos towards Quinn.

"Thank you" Quinn said, taking one of Rachel's nachos and turning her attention back to the game.

Once the game was over she followed Noah, or as Quinn called him _'Puck'_, and Quinn out to Noah's truck.

"Welcome to the Puckmobile"

"It's nice" Rachel murmured and Quinn laughed.

"No it isn't. Don't lie to him"

"It's... Uh, retro" Rachel said.

"Oooooh" Quinn breathed, grinning over at Puck.

"That was a nice was of saying it was just scrap metal"

Rachel smiled down at her hand, tangling them together.

"So, Labrat, how was your first day of school?"

"You know" Rachel shrugged "It was school"

Quinn watched her carefully, waiting for Rachel's eyes to give her something but a song on the radio, 'Cherry Bomb by the runaways', caught her attention.

Rachel smiled, drumming her fingers against her leg.

"Love songs like this, you know? Oldies"

"Well if you love old songs you should try this station" Rachel leant forward and peering into the tuner, she was hopeless without her glasses. Once she found the channel a smile bounced onto Quinn's face when Fleetwood Mac played through the speakers "It's all oldies on this channel. It's my favorite radio channel"

"And you like Fleetwood Mac"

Rachel nodded "They're one of my favorite bands"

"I think you and me are gonna be good friends, Labrat" Quinn grinning before throwing her hands up and singing out the lyrics to the song as loud as she could but Rachel didn't really notice her ears were still ringing for the word friend.

Shed never had _anyone _call her a friend. Ever. She wasn't sure if Quinn meant it or it was just a figure of speech but it gave her butterflies nonetheless.

The house was packed, Rachel could feel her breathing shallow as people brushed up against her from every direction. But she had to calm down. She didn't want to lose it here.

"You ok, Labrat? You look pale?" Quinn asked half teasing, half serious.

"Yea" Rachel replied, her voice cracking.

Quinn still look concerned but turned when a man tapped her shoulder. Quinn pecked him on the lips before turning to Rachel "This gets to much you come find me and we'll leave, alright?"

Rachel nodded dumbly, watching the girl disappear into the crowd with the man, who must have at least been in his second year of college.

"He's a jerk" Noah said, Rachel had kind of figured though, wrapping his arm around Rachel's shoulder and scanned the crowd "Ah, there we go"

The began leading them through the crowed until they were in the front room, which was relatively empty compared to everywhere else.

"Take as seat, Rachel" the boy pushed her down onto the sofa before pointing to her right where two girls sat, arms wrapped around each other, then pointed to the floor where a brunette sat "These love birds are Santana and Brittany and that third wheel is Marley. Guys, entertain her"

The couple just went back to making out on the sofa but the girl on the floor shuffled forward until she was crossed legged at Rachel's feet "Ellie's sister, right?" The girl asked, squinting at Rachel and pointed at her.

Rachel nodded, watching her thumbs as they ran circles around each other.

"That must make you a freshman, since I've never seen you around school"

"That's ok, right? I mean I can leave"

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm just curious and since you don't seem like you're going to starts a conversation"

"Sorry" Rachel murmured and Marley chuckled.

"Don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong and even if you did, you still don't apologize" Marley smiled calmly at Rachel.

"Hey, freshman" a voice called and Rachel cringed, waiting for something to happen. To be humiliated but nothing happened.

"What's the matter?" Marley asked, a concerned frown on her face, but not the kind that her sister always had.

"N-nothing"

"Want a brownie?" A boy asked, his blonde hat flopping into his eyes as he leant over the back of the sofa to look at her.

"God, yea. I'm starving"

"Sam.." Marley mumbled but the blonde just waved her off and allowed Rachel to take a brownie.

Rachel took a bite out of the cake, it tasted a little different but everyone had they're different ways of making brownies, right? "These are great"

"Yea they are" Sam agreed, a dumb laugh escaping his lips as her sat down next to Rachel "So, how goes it, fresh bake?"

Rachel nodded, finishing off the rest of her brownie "Pretty good"

"Well it's about to get a whole lot better"

Rachel frowned but decided to ignore the boy and listen to the conversation between him and Marley.

It was about ten minutes later her vision started getting funny and twenty minutes before she was sitting on the floor stroking the carpet. She didn't know what was happening but she liked it. She felt free, like no one was judging her.

"So what do you think of high school Rachel?"

"High school? High school sucks ass. It's full of self righteous meat heads in letterman jackets who are only popular because they play with balls" she chuckled to herself before shaking her head "That sounded wrong but you know what I mean. They probably can't even tie their shoelaces without singing the bunny song. Lets face it, there was probably be a McDonald's uniform in their future or a cardboard box and a door way"

The group of four in front of her laughed making her laugh even though she wasn't exactly sure what at.

"You know, I like this kid" Santana said, pointing at Rachel.

"And I like you, though you're a little bit of a bitch" Rachel murmured, apparently the filter in her brain was gone. She though she was in trouble but the group laughed and even Santana cracked a smile.

"You're baked, Berry!" Sam cheered, just as Quinn walked up to the back of the sofa.

"This chick is a blast, Quinn. She's the one stray I don't mind you taking in"

Quinn eyes Sam before looking at Rachel "You ok, Labrat?"

"I really want some pickles" Rachel mumbled, more to herself than anyone else.

The kids on the sofa laughed and Quinn chuckled as she helped Rachel to her feet "Have you felt that carpet?"

"Yea. Lets go get you some pickles and a drink of soda"

"You know, I thought that, no offense, this was gonna suck. Not because of the people here but because of me"

"What do you mean?" Quinn asked, sitting Rachel at the kitchen counter and looking through the cupboards for pickles.

"Doesn't matter" Rachel shook her head and looked up into Quinn's eyes "Your eyes are amazing. They're beautiful, anyone every told you that?"

"No, not without wanting something" Quinn said, a cheeky smile on her face as she placed the glass down in front of Rachel.

"Ooh, no. No, Quinn I don't want anything from you"

"And I believe you" Quinn sat across from Rachel "What's this?" The blonde asked, reaching across and looping her finger through a ring around Rachel's neck.

"My moms wedding ring"

"Ah, your parents divorced?"

"They were never married"

Quinn frowned, clearly confused "Where is she now?"

"She shot herself when I was thirteen" Rachel mumbled and Quinn froze, she eyes boring into Rachel's as if waiting for her to continue but the brunette just drained the rest of her soda and got to her feel "Gotta pee"

Rachel climbed the stairs and began looking for the bathroom. Opening the first door she came to and her eyes widened slightly, her hand coming up to cover her eyes "Sorry" she mumbled to a shocked Marley and Kitty as she left the room.

"Rachel..." Marley called after her as she began looking for the bathroom again.

"I didn't see a thing"

"I know you did but its cool. It's just" Marley stopped Rachel and turned her to look at her, a smile crossing her lips "Are you baked?"

"As a cake. That's was Sam said" Rachel said, grinning at the brunette who chuckled.

"Listen, mini Berry, Kitty doesn't want anyone to know about us so this can just be our little secret, right?"

"Of course. My lips are locked" Rachel pretended to lock her lips and throw the key over her shoulder.

"You're alright, kid" Marley smiled and Rachel smiled back.

"I really gotta pee"

"Last door on your left"

Rachel smiled and nodded, turning on her heels and heading into the bathroom.

Once she was done she looked at herself in the mirror. She felt like she was outside of her body and looking at herself through someone else's eyes. It was a weird kind of good feeling.

Rachel left the bathroom and almost collided with Quinn "Oh, hello"

"Are you ok?"

"I feel great"

Quinn nodded but she wasn't convinced "Lets go down stairs, huh?"

"Ok" Rachel headed downstairs, sitting down on the floor, smiling when Noah and Brittany sat either side of her.

"Puck, come here" Quinn said and Puck did as he was told, hopping to his feet and walking over to Quinn who began whispering in his ear.

"Do you like Quinn?" Brittany asked, smiling over at Rachel.

"Quinn's lovely" Rachel nodded, turning to Brittany "Do you like Quinn?"

"She's my best friend so kind of"

Rachel nodded, probing her head up with her hands and resting her elbows on her knees.

"Alright guys, listen up" Noah hollered and Quinn whistled, gaining everyone's attention "I'd like y'all to lift your drinks to our new friend Rachel"

Rachel's head shot out of her hands as she looked at Quinn and Puck confused "What did I do?"

"Nothing. Lets hear it for Rachel" a cheer rippled through the crowed and Rachel grinned, she couldn't help it.

Quinn walked over to Rachel, the brunette's eyes following her almost mesmerized until the blonde was crouched in front of her "Welcome to the island of misfit toys"

Rachel smiled, frowning when Quinn took a hold of her hand and pulled her to her feet "Lets get you home, ok?"

Rachel nodded, allowing Quinn pull her through the crowed to the man Quinn was with earlier in the night "I'm leaving"

The boy frowned "What do you mean you're leaving?" He growled.

"I'm taking Rachel home them I'm going home" Quinn turned to leave but the boy grabbed her arm so tight Quinn winced in pain.

Rachel thought it was probably the drugs, because she would never do this for someone outside her family, but she push forward and shove the boy's arm away from Quinn "Hey!" She snapped feebly and the boy just growled down at her.

"Come on Rachel, lets go"

Both girls left the house and hopped into the car where Puck was waiting.

"Everything ok?"

"Yea, fine"

They drove the rest of the way with just the sound of the radio in the background. Rachel's head rested against the back of these at as she looked at the stars and street lights out of the sunroof.

Once they reached Rachel's house, Noah remembered it from one day her dropped Ellie off, Rachel got out of the car and was surprised when Quinn followed her out and up to the door.

"Thank you" the blonde said when they reached the door.

"For what?"

"You forgot already?" Rachel shrugged and Quinn chuckled "Sticking up for be against Brent. It was brave. Stupid but brave"

"I could have kicked his ass if I wanted to" Rachel joked and Quinn smiled.

"Drink loads of water ok, to flush that from your system and never take anything Sam offers you"

"Ok" Rachel agreed, smiling as Quinn pulled a piece of paper from her jean pocket.

"You ever need to talk you just call me, ok?"

"You sure?"

"Of course. See you tomorrow, Labrat. Sit with us at lunch?"

Rachel's mouth opened and closed before she nodded stupidly.

"Night" Quinn called as she backed away and got into Puck's truck.

"Ciao, Berry" Puck cheered before taking off.

Rachel grinned, bouncing lightly on her toes as she turned and walked into her house, gasping slightly when she saw her sister standing there, bruise circling her eye.

"The hell happened, El?"

"Walked into a door. D'you have fun?"

Rachel knew it was a lie but there was no point in pushing "So much fun. I met new friends too. Mainly Quinn and Noah"

"Fabray and Puck?"

"Yea, they're great aren't they?"

Ellie frowned and Rachel just smiled, bouncing past her and up to her room.

She felt amazing and she didn't think it was all down to the drugs. She had friends. Yes, the freak Rachel Berry had_ friends_!

Sighed, she fell back into her bed and closed her eyes, suddenly very exhausted from her firstparty.


	2. Chapter 2

She'd swapped lab partners with Puck so she was now paired with him. He wasn't the smartest tool in the box but he made her laugh and actually tried to do work.

"What happened to your sisters eye. It's a shiner" Puck asked as they left chemistry and headed for lunch.

"Walked into a door she said"

"Oldest excuse in the book. Did she get into a bar fight? Or mud wrestling with another girl?" puck grinned, his eyes going a little distant making Rachel punch his arm.

"Not ok!"

"I'm sorry but your family must have the pretty gene"

Rachel just chuckled, shaking her head at the boy as the entered the canteen. She stood with Puck in the lunch line but she wasn't getting anything, her dad made her lunch.

"Not getting anything, Berry?"

"My dad makes my lunch"

"Aw, little daddies girl"

"Tease if you wanna but I have PB and J and you have gruel. In the words of Charlie Sheen" Rachel pointed her thumbs at herself "Winning"

Puck howled out a laugh as they both sat at the table, the group looking at them curiously.

"What's so funny?" Brittany asked, smiling over at them.

"This kid" Puck said, putting his arm around the back of her chair "She's the only freshman I like"

Rachel smiled, looking over at Quinn who was already looking at her. She didn't like the way Quinn had being looking at her ever since she'd blurted out about her mom, she hasn't meant to, it just slipped out. Quinn just looked worried about her, as if after someone teased her she was just going to crack and throw a table. Little did she know Rachel had pills for that. To the doctors, pills answered everything.

"Hey" Marley said, waving her hand in Rachel's face.

"Sorry, what?"

"Last night. How was your first trip"

"Uh" Rachel breathed, sitting up in her chair "It was fun. Little scary though, I didn't know what was happening"

"We probably should have told you what was in those brownie" Marley agreed but Santana shook her head, slinging her arm around the back of Brittany's seat.

"But what would be the fun in that?"

Rachel just nodded. She could remember every last detail about last night it was just weird. Like it was all a dream. Fuzzy around the edges.

Santana sucked in a breath, making a kind of hissing noise when she noticed someone walk into the canteen "Damn, Berry, what happened to your sister?"

Rachel turned, her face turning into a growl when she saw Ellie walk in, Pete's arm draped over her shoulder. Ellie looked incredible uncomfortable.

"Don't know" Rachel murmured with a shrug as she turned around.

Everyone seemed to take that a an answer and go about their business apart from Quinn who stared over Rachel's shoulder then looking at Rachel then back to her sister.

Rachel wondered if she could see it to, the bad in people, but she couldn't because she was dating Brad or whatever and he seemed like a bit of a tool.

for the rest of the lunch Rachel sat quietly, listening to everyone else and only really talking when she was asked something. Once lunch was over Rachel got to her feet and headed towards the door opposite from where the rest of the group where going.

"Hey, nerd" before Rachel could even lift her eyes her books were slapped from her hand and scattered across the emptying lunch room.

"Original" Rachel murmured to herself, as she crouched down to pick up her books, frowning when someone crouched down next to her. She lifted her eyes to be met by bright green ones. She was sure Quinn's eyes changed colors, sometimes a browny color, other times green.

"Four more years. That's it" Quinn said, smiling as she stood up and held her hand out to help Rachel stand up straight. When she was standing fully she was almost nose to nose with Quinn.

Rachel blinked, her eyes flickering away from Quinn's and stepped back.

"It gets easier"

"Don't lie to me" Rachel whispered before she could stop herself.

"I'm not. I wouldn't"

"Is it better for you? You're a senior after all"

"The bullying, yea"

Rachel narrowed her eyes slightly "What you said last night. It goes both ways. You can talk to me whenever you want"

Quinn smiled "Maybe you should just look after your sister"

Rachel looked down at her feet, kicking them nervously off the floor. She knew Quinn had noticed it to "I can look after two people" Rachel murmured. She could look after two people but she couldn't even look after herself properly.

"You're a real nice kid, Labrat. Even thought you're going through something, though I don't know what, you're still trying to help out other people. But concentrate on yourself, alright? You can't make other people happy if _you_ aren't happy"

"I am happy"

"Don't kid a kidder. I've got class so I've gotta get going"

"See you around"

"We're all going for shakes tonight. Best burgers in town, you up for it?"

"Yea, where?"

"I'll pick you up. Be ready around seven"

"Sure. Ok"

"See you, Labrat" Quinn smiled before turning heading towards her class.

Rachel smiled to herself an looked at the books in her hand. She was two down "Oh, hey, Quinn. You have my books"

Quinn stopped and chuckled, turning and handing the books to Rachel "Bye. Again"

Rachel grinned shyly and nodded "Bye"

* * *

She was sitting at the dinner table, with her dad and sister, eyes Ellie across the wood as she pushed the food around on her plate.

She know Ellie was lying, for one a door wouldn't leave that kind of gnarly bruise and she could just tell when her sister lied, they spent fifteen years together.

"So, how did you say that happened?" Their dad asked, resting his elbows on the table and looking at Ellie.

"Walked into the door" Ellie answered and Rachel could see her bite the inside of her cheek. Nervous habit she did when she was lying or scared about something. Maybe both in this case.

"Really?"

"Yea, dad, I saw it. At first it was kinda funny but then I realized it was serious" Rachel butted in.

Her dad narrowed his eyes. He knew both of them were lying but it was two against one so he just grabbed his plate and headed to the kitchen "You better not be fighting in school, E" the man said, pushing his lips against her head before disappearing into the kitchen.

"Thank you"

"Now tell me the truth, what happened?"

"It's nothing I can't handle, Rach"

"I'm not sticking up for you if you're going to lie to me"

"I'm not lying!"

"Then look me in the eyes and tell me again!" Rachel said, slapping her hands lightly down on the table.

"Rachel, someone's here for you" her dad said, appearing in the doorway with Quinn by his side.

Rachel nodded, quickly smiling at Quinn before turning back to her sister "We're talking later"

"There's nothing to talk about" Ellie growled, standing up and throwing her plate in to the sink before heading upstairs.

"What was that about?"

"Nothing dad. She's just saying she didn't borrow one of my sweaters but I know she did"

Her dad just nodded, turning and leaving.

Rachel grabbed her own plate and headed into the kitchen, Quinn trailing behind her "So what was that really about?" The blonde asked, leaning against the counter next to the sink.

"You know it to don't you? That she's lying about what happened to her eye" Rachel asked, drying her hands and turning to look at Quinn "She didn't walk into a door"

"And what do you think really happened?"

Rachel shrugged. She didn't want to say what she thought because if it was untrue it was a nasty accusation to make.

"Talk to me, Labrat" Quinn said, standing up straight and walking a little closer to Rachel.

"I don't wanna say it because if its not true then it's not a nice thing to say"

"It won't leave this room. I promise"

"Pete. I think Pete done it"

Quinn nodded, like that was what she had expected Rachel to say "Me too"

"What am I supposed to do about it?"

"What do you want to do about it?"

"Kick his self loving ass"

Quinn smiled "Maybe not. It might not have been Pete but if it does happens again tell you dad"

Rachel nodded and Quinn slung her arm around Rachel's shoulder as they walked out the house "And I could kick his ass if I really wanted to" the brunette murmured and Quinn laughed.

"I don't doubt that" Quinn agreed, opening the door for Rachel before hopping into the drivers side "But lets not do that. At least not until I'm there to help you out"

Rachel smiled "Deal"

Rachel leant against the car door, turning her eyes up to look at the sky. It was relatively dark and you could see a few of the stars twinkling.

"You're a quiet one, huh?"

"Sorry, do you want to talk about something?"

"No, I don't mind. It's just today you were real quiet, at lunch I mean, have you always been like that?"

Rachel shrugged "I've never really had a group of friends, or any friends, so I don't really know how to act or what to say around people who aren't my family"

"You've never had any friends?"

"Never"

"Not even a best friend?"

Rachel nodded slightly "I considered my mom my best friend"

Quinn glanced over at Rachel before turning back to the road "You remember telling me about your mom? At the party?"

"Yea. Sorry about that"

"No, don't apologize. I don't mind you tell me about it"

"You looked mortified"

"I wasn't. I was caught of guard"

"Still, I'm sorry" Rachel said as they parked outside the diner.

Quinn turned in her seat to look at Rachel "Do you want to talk about it? About your mom?"

Rachel thought about it and before she could stop it she was back to when she was thirteen. She knew something was wrong as soon as she'd walked into the house but as soon as she'd seen the gun lying in a limp hand. Blood sprayed all over the walls like some sort of sick, twisted painting-

"Hey, Rachel, it's ok" Quinn murmured but when her hand rested on Rachel's cheek the brunette was brought fully back to reality "Are you ok? You were breathing a little hard there"

"I don't... Please don't make me talk about it"

"Don't worry, sweetie. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to" Quinn whispered softly, lightly running her thumb across Rachel's cheek bone.

"I don't want to"

"Ok. Well let's go get some shakes"

Rachel nodded and Quinn smiled, stroking her thumb one more time across Rachel's cheek from pulling back and heading towards the diner.

"Rachel!" Puck cheered, wrapping his arms around the brunettes waist and lifting her off of her feet before spinning her in a circle.

"Hi, Noah"

"Are you ok? You look a little flushed?" The boy asked, settling Rachel on her feet and touching the back of his knuckles against her red cheeks "What did you do to her in the car, Quinn" he teased, wiggling his eyebrows at Quinn.

"Just leave it, Puck" Quinn said before heading over to the booth where everyone else was.

"Is everything ok?" Puck asked, his face becoming more serious than before.

"Fine" Rachel smiled the best smile she could muster, she knew it wasn't enough but the boy nodded anyway and signaled for them to head over to the table.

"What's up, Mini Berry"

"You still feeling a little rough after last night?"

Rachel nodded, sitting down in between Puck and Quinn "My tongue doesn't feel like sand paper anymore though. So I guess that is a plus"

"You were incredible last night" Sam chuckled, holding his hand up for Rachel to hit, which she did.

"Are you high again?"

"I think the more appropriate question here is 'am I ever not high' and the answer to that is no. I am always high"

Rachel chuckled, looking down at the menu Quinn was holding in between them "You have to get a burger. They're amazing"

Rachel nodded "A burger"

"And what kind of shake?"

"Peanut butter"

Quinn grinned, looking up from the menu "I like your taste, Labrat"

* * *

She felt uneasy. She didnt know if it was because of the conversation and flash back she'd had in this car the last time or if it was because she'd had a flash back at all. Normally the meds blocked them out.

"You like the stars" Quinn said, more of a statement than a question but Rachel nodded anyways as they walked up towards her door, Rachel's head tilted back to look up at the stars "Why?"

"Just thinking about how vast our solar system is, never mind the entire universe, just makes my problems seem so small" Rachel mumbled before flushing slightly, she'd never told anyone that before "It's totally dumb"

"No, I like it. You think differently from most people don't you?"

"I guess. I don't know" Rachel replied, sitting on the swing seat followed by Quinn.

"You seem to think about things differently"

"And that's, what? A bad thing"

"Not at all" Quinn assured, using the tip of her toes to lightly swing the seat.

"Have you every had a problem talking about stuff? Like you have it all inside you but you just can't seem to find the words to explain it?"

"Yea. It's difficult when other people don't understand"

"It makes you feel like you're not normal. Different from all those other people who're just naturally happy and you just can't seem to get rid of this feeling that just keeps dragging you down"

"You know it's always gonna be there. Even when you're at your happiest you know it's just a matter of time before you're pulled back into that black hole and have to fight your way back out again"

Rachel blinked, looking up at Quinn. She never thought that anyone would understand, her dad and sister never did, and it scared her but hearing it coming from someone else's mouth soothed her. Knowing that she wasn't alone "That's exactly it"

"You aren't alone, Labrat. Not anymore"

"What's the matter with you?" Quinn dragged her tongue across her lips, Rachel knew she didn't want to talk about it "You don't have to tell me"

"Soon Rachel. I'm just not ready"

"I respect that" Rachel said, watching a car pull up into her drive. Pete, of course it was.

"I don't know if I like you being in there with him" Quinn murmured, her eyes following the boy as she headed round back.

"I'll be ok"

"Sure?"

"I'll just go upstairs and read"

Quinn nodded, getting to her feet and turning to Rachel "You call me if anything happens"

"I will"

"Good" Quinn stepped froward, wrapping her arms around Rachel's neck.

Rachel had never had a huge from anyone outside her family so it took her a while to realize what was happening and slowly lifted her hands up to rest on the smalls of Quinn's back.

"I've gotta go. I'm seeing Brent"

Rachel pulled back, her hands still on Quinn's back "Brent?"

"Yea"

"You're both still dating?"

"Yes" Quinn mumbled, bringing her eyes up to meet Rachel's.

"Oh, right" the brunette said, stepping fully away from Quinn.

"Rachel..."

"You'd better go" the brunette interjected, heading towards her door.

"G'night, Latrat"

"Night Quinn" Rachel gave a half hearted smiled before disappearing into the house. She didn't know why she felt like she'd just been punched in the stomach but she didn't like it.

Sighed, the brunette headed upstairs into her room, picking up her book and trying to loose herself in it.

There was a lot she didn't understand. Why jocks are top of the social ladder when all the done was throw a ball around the field. Why the head cheerleader, and every other cheerleader, played dumb when she'd saw for herself that the cheerleader across from her should be doing a much higher level of math than she was. But most of all she didn't understand why people pretended to be happy with people they didn't have to be with.

She could hear her sister and Pete yelled downstairs. She was the only other person in the house and she didn't know exactly what they were arguing about but they were getting louder and louder.

She got to get feet and snuck downstairs, peering through the crack in the door to watch.

"You're such a jerk!"

"Me? This is your fault!"

"How is this my fault. You're the one who slept with that girl. Like father like son, huh?"

Everything went slow motion from there as Pete's hand swung back and connected with Ellie's cheek so hard that even Rachel jumped. It took her a few seconds to come out of her daze and without thinking she stormed into the room. Hell, she wouldn't do much damage, this kid was twice her size and a senior but no one laid a hand on her sister.

"Rachel, hey stop" Ellie mumbled, pressing on Rachel's shoulders as the girl tried to storm by, her eyes fixed on the boy "I can handle this. Please just go back upstairs"

Rachel let out a breath, her eyes moving from Pete to Ellie. The older girls face was full of concern but Rachel know it wasn't because of what Pete did it was because she was scared that Rachel would loose it again. Black out.

"But El.."

"Please, kid. Just go back upstairs, Pete's just leaving"

Rachel drew in a ragged breath before turning and heading out of the room. She stopped outside for a second, waiting incase something else happened but all she heard was a muffled sorry coming from Pete.

She couldn't help but wonder why he would do it in the first place. What did hitting someone do for you?

She sat up on her widow seat, watching Ellie walk Pete out to her car, expecting her to at least yell a little but her stomach twisted when she reached up and kissed him.

Once Pete drove off Rachel grabbed her hoodie and pulled it on.

"Where are you going?" Ellie asked when she headed towards the door.

"Out" Rachel replied shortly, slamming her front door closed and headed down the street. Her head automatically tilted upwards.

It didn't seem to work, normally a wave of relaxation would wash over her but that didn't happened. The fact that someone had just hit her big sister had her wired pretty high.

She hopped up the stairs of the house she'd been heading for a lightly knocked on the door.

"Rachel, hi" the Mohawked boy smiled, standing in the doorway with nothing but pajama bottoms on.

"I know it's late. I was gonna go to Quinn's but she's with brad or whatever"

"Don't worry about it. Come on in" Rachel walked into the house and followed Puck to his room "What's wrong?"

Rachel shook her head, sitting on his bed and running her hands over her face. Puck just stood against his chest of drawers and waited.

"Why do people feel the need to be with someone who hurts them?"

"Quinn?" Puck asked, narrowing his eyes "Who's hurting Quinn?"

"No one. This isn't about Quinn, it's about everyone. Everybody does it. But if they're hurting you so bad why be with them when you'd be happier on your own?"

"Sometimes things happen that make someone feel so small and worthless that they feel like they wouldn't get anyone better than the person they have now. Even if they do hurt them"

"Like what?"

"All kinds of things. Who's this about?"

"My sister. I couldn't killed him. Would have if I'd been given half the chance"

"Pete?"

"Yea. Who does he think he is? No one does that to some I love!"

"What, Rachel? What did he do?"

"Hit her!" Rachel half yelled, standing up "She don't jack shit to deserve it and he just hit her. Like she was some sort of animal. I'm not ok with that!"

"That's where she got that black eye from"

"And then some" Rachel murmured, chewing on her shaking knuckles.

"Hey, calm down buddy. We'll get him. How do you feel about going and putting a hole in every tire on his car"

"Now?"

"Why not? I have a full range if penknives" Puck grinned, putting his hands on Rachel's shoulders. The brunette nodded "Choose your wepon" the boy said, opening up the top drawer.

"Do you have a yellow one?"

"Seriously?" The boy arched an eyebrow and Rachel nodded "Here. It's gold but close enough I guess"

"Ok, let's go" Rachel said and both teens headed down stairs "how do you work it?"

"Just push that button"

Rachel did as she was told and jumped when the blade spring out of the holder "It's like something outta grease"

Puck chuckled, wrapping his arm around Rachel's shoulder as they headed towards Pete's house.

"What if he comes out?"

"Runs as fast as your tiny legs can carry you. Go back to my house"

Rachel nodded, drawing in a nervous breath.

"He won't come out. He'll be in bed, it's after nine and he has a bedtime"

Rachel laughed, letting her head fall against Pucks shoulder.

"Ok, I'll take one side you take the other"

"Ok" Rachel agreed, pulling her hood up over head he's and crouched down behind the car.

"As hard as you can just push it into the rubber"

Rachel nodded, shuffling towards the front tier and shoved the knife into the rubber making it hiss as the air rushed from the tier.

She shuffled to the back as there was a screeching nose coming from Pucks side. Just as she's shoved the knife into the back tier the door of the house swung open.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" Pete yelled and Rachel's eyes widened as she stayed crouched behind the car.

"Time to move, Berry" Puck said, running around to her side and grabbing her arm when she made not attempt to move "Now!"

The duo ran down the street and continued running when the foot steps behind them stopped.

"Well that was close" Puck huffed as he slouched against the door.

"So close"

"You wanna stay the night? I'll sleep on the floor"

Rachel nodded. She didn't feel like seeing her sister tonight "I'll just text me sister" Rachel quickly texted her sister and sat down on the sofa. Puck appeared at the door holding a pair of black sweats and a Canucks shirt.

"You can sleep in these"

Rachel nodded, grabbing the clothes and pointing down the hallway "Where's the bathroom?"

"The door just before the kitchen"

Rachel smiled and headed down to get changed. She felt weird. She expected to be terified after almost being caught vandalizing someone's car but it was actually a rush. Exciting.

"You like cartoons?" Puck asked as she walked back into the front room and sat down on the sofa.

"Tom and Jerry's my favorite"

"Yes, you're most definitely my favorite person"

Rachel grinned, letting her head fall back onto the sofa as they both watched the tv.

* * *

She must have fallen asleep on the sofa because she couldn't remember walking upstairs to bed.

They were both back on the sofa the next morning, the cartoons playing on the tv.

Rachel laughed at the tv just as there was a loud knock on the door "Come in" the boy hollered and the door was pushed open revealing a slightly pissed looking Quinn.

"Was in my way to McDonalds" Quinn said grabbing the remote and turning off the TV "and I just so happened to walk past Pete's house just as his car was being towed. Apparently his tiers were slashed and the word 'dick' engraved into the side of his car"

"Huh, no way" Puck said nonchalantly and Rachel just nodded, her eyes focused on her hands. She was never one for lying because basically she sucked at it and it felt bad.

"Way. You both would know anything about that would you?"

"I'm offended!" Puck gasped but Quinn ignored him and looked at Rachel.

"How about you, Labrat? Do you know anything about it?"

Rachel shook her head, her eyes still focused on her hands that were not nervously picking at her nails.

"Don't lie to me Rachel. I understand Puck lying to me but not you"

"We did it" Rachel said in an almost shameful voice, her eyes coming up to meet Quinn's "But he deserved it"

Quinn's eyes moved from Rachel to Puck "What were you thinking? You could have gotten caught and _she_ would have gotten into _so _much trouble"

"I'm not some lamb who follows the crowed. I wanted to do it"

"I bet it was his idea, right?"

"Yea, it was but you don't know what he did!"

"Who? Puck or Pete?"

"Doesn't matter"

"No it does. Tell me" Rachel just shook her head, her hands coming up to cover her face "So you trust him but not me?"

That wasn't it at all. She just figured, because Brent was hurting Quinn and she didn't seem to care, she wouldn't understand her anger towards Pete.

"Look, Quinn it wasn't like that. She came here for some help and I suggested we go slash his tiers"

"Why? What did he do? Did he hurt you?" Quinn knelt down in front of Rachel and ran her eyes over her faces "I'll kill him if he hurt you"

"Not me"

A sense of realization washed over Quinn's face "Ellie?"

Rachel nodded "He deserved it Quinn. He did"

"I know" Quinn agreed, nodded her head lightly "And he did see you. Either of you?"

"No, we took off when he came out"

"Ok. Just try not to do something this stupid again"

"Of course" Rachel agreed. She couldn't help it, not when Quinn was looking at her like _that. _

"Can we watch our cartoons now?" Puck asked, picking up the remote and turning the TV back on.

Quinn's eyes ran down Rachel's body before frowning "You spend the night?"

"I didn't want to go home"

Quinn's eyes turned to look at Puck before coming back to Rachel and she nodded "fair enough"

"Tom and Jerry!" Puck cheered and Rachel smiled, sitting crossed legged on the sofa as Quinn took a seat next to her


	3. Chapter 3

She spent the next two weeks with the group almost everyday, save one day because her father wanted to spend the day with her and Ellie, who was still dating Pete. She'd tried to talk to her about it but Ellie just refused. She was beginning to become as comfortable around the full group as she felt around Puck and Quinn.

She was heading to a party with Puck and Quinn. It was at Sam's house, she she didn't feel as uncomfortable about it.

"You ok, Labrat?"

"Fine. Excited"

"Then lets go" Quinn smiled, hopping out of the car with Rachel following behind her.

"Berry! My favorite freshman" Sam cheered, wrapping his arms around Rachel's waist and spinning her around.

"Isn't your sister a freshman" Rachel pointed out and Sam nodded

"The statement stands"

"Mini Berry! Stick your tongue out" Rachel frowned at Marley but did as she was told. Marley held a circle, paper looking thing on her finger and was about to place it on Rachel's tongue but pulled back slightly "This is a drug. You're probably gonna end up like you were the last time"

Rachel nodded, sticking her tongue out farther and allowed Marley to place the paper thing on her tongue "Atta girl"

Sam smiled as he settled Rachel down on her feet "Yes. You're even more fun when you're high!"

"What is it?" Rachel asked after she'd swallowed the tab.

"LSD"

Rachel nodded, she'd never taken this before so she didn't know what it was like.

"Stay safe, alright?" Quinn said, smiling at Rachel before taking of into the crowed, presumably looking for Brent.

Rachel sighed to herself, walking over and sitting down on the sofa next to a boy, Jordan if she remembered correctly. He turned to look at her, smiling drunkenly "Hi, I'm Jordan"

She remembered correctly

"Hey, I'm Rachel"

"Ellie's sister, right?"

"Yup" Rachel agreed. She wasn't one for small talk, she didn't see the point in it.

After about twenty minutes of the boy yammering in her ear and Rachel just nodded along she could slowly feel herself beginning to succumb to the drugs. Everything seemed to be slowing down around her. Her eyes were focused on the blonde who was up on the balcony above her. She had gone off to look for Brent. Clearly by the way his tongue was down her throat.

"So, you got a boyfriend?"

Rachel shook her head, a frown forming on her face when Brent grabbed onto Quinn's wrist and the couple began walking along the hallway. Rachel knew where they were going, she was antisocial not stupid.

She glanced up at the clock and frowned, squinting again to make sure she was reading it right and she was. Eleven. she didn't understand how time could be going so fast when everything seemed so slow

"And then you got the ball in your hand" Rachel frowned, was this dude still talking? "And then you take off down the field you know?"

She didn't know because she hasn't listened since he'd asked is she was Ellie's sister "Yea, sure"

"You like football?"

"Not really" Rachel murmured almost bored as she rested her face in her hands.

"You ok?"

"Fine" the brunette nodded, scanning around the front room. They were alone apparent from a couple in the corner and someone sitting by the fire typing away on their phone. The house was packed, she wondered how any of the rooms could be this empty.

She didn't know how long she was sitting like that, it could have been a minute or even an hour. The concept of time was lost on her right now.

Jordan was still talking away in here ear. Now she thinks it was about Lacrosse.

"Can you just shut up. For like one second?" Rachel snapped, she was never one for being rude but, fuck, could this dude talk.

"You wanna make me?" The boy asked, Rachel assumed flirtatiously, before leaning forward and pressing on Rachel's shoulders until she was on her back on the sofa.

Rachel quickly turned her head when the boy scooped down to kiss her making his catch her cheek. Rachel ran her eyes over the room, she must have been sitting there for a while because it was empty now.

"Come on. You've been here with me all night. You know you wanna"

"Yea, about as much as a kick on the face. The hell offa me"

"Come on" the boy mumbled putting his hand on her cheek and pushing it up to look at him "You probably won't even remember in the morning"

Her held her face in one of his hands and dipped his head to kiss her but before he could something hit him in the side making him huff out a breath "Get off her, jackoff" Quinn growled, grabbing his blonde, slightly curly, hair and pulling him to the floor "you've got five seconds to get your scrawny little ass out of here before I break your legs"

The boys eyes widened as he rubbed his head and scurried off out of the room.

"You alright, Labrat?"

"Just fine" Rachel groaned, sitting up on the sofa and glancing up at the clock. Almost twelve.

"You wanna leave?"

"We don't have to"

"Lets go find Puck and we'll leave" Quinn smiled, holding her hand out towards Rachel and leading them through the crowd until they found Puck "ready to go"

"Whatever" Puck mumbled, heading towards the door.

"Is he mad?"

Quinn nodded "At me"

Rachel didn't know what to say so she just allowed Quinn to lead her out of the house and got into the car.

"Have fun?" Puck asked Quinn, his voice dry and Quinn pulled out of the driveway.

"Don't start" Quinn snapped back.

"Don't start? You called me a fucking liar!"

Rachel sat forwards in her seat, cupping her hands over her ears. This seemed all to familiar to her.

"I didn't say that! I said that maybe you didn't see what you thought!"

The duo continued arguing but it seemed like they were miles away as Rachel slipping into an all to familiar darkness.

She was six years old, a spoilt moody six year old, her daddy had taken her to the toy store while her sister and dad were at home sorting out her birthday dinner.

She had her heart set on this bear she'd seen a week before. It was a big yellow bear with a star where it's heart should be but when they'd went in there was none left. Of course she just had to throw a tantrum and blame her daddy for what was actually no ones fault so she argued with him when he tried to make things better and just kept yelling and yelling in the car. Her daddy was close to loosing it and turned to her to say something. She would never know what that something was because just then a car tee-boned them, right into her daddy's side and flipped them over at lease three times.

She woke up about five minutes later when someone pulled her out of the car but her daddy never woke up. Not even when they used the defibrillators on him. To this day she could still see his body jerking.

_'Clear!' Buzzzz. pft. 'Clear!' Buzz. pfft-_

"Stop the car!" Rachel snapped and Quinn turned to her with a frown.

"What?"

"Stop the car!"

Quinn did as she was told and pulled over to the sidewalk and Rachel stumbled out of the car "I'll walk" she breathed out, heading in the direction she thought her house possible could be.

"Your house is that way, Rachel" Quinn said as she got out of the car and grabbed lightly onto Rachel's shoulders "what's the matter? You're sweating" Quinn placed the back of her hand against Rachel's head.

"Y-you shouldn't fight in the car. It's dangerous"

Quinn frowned but nodded "Ok, no more fighting" Quinn agreed, using her knuckles to brush the slightly damp hair from Rachel's head "Just please get back into the car so we can get you home safe"

Rachel nodded, getting back into the car and hunched in her seat and wrapped her arms around her head. The meds were supposed to stop things like that happened.

"Ok, here we are" Quinn said cautiously as she got out of the car and walked Rachel up to the door "Are you sure you're ok?"

Rachel nodded, fidgeting with the sleeve of her sweater.

"Ok. You wanna hang out tomorrow? Watch some movies at my place. It is Sunday after all"

"Ok, I'll come over around one?"

Quinn nodded, worriedly eyeing Rachel "did the same thing happen back there as it did about two weeks ago? When we went for shakes"

Rachel just nodded, hoping Quinn wouldn't asked exactly what it was.

Quinn huffed out a breath and wrapped her arms around Rachel's neck "I'm worried about you, Labrat"

"Don't"

"I can't help it. I need you to talk to me"

"I can't Quinn. I just- I can't!"

"But you would tell me if someone was really wrong, right?"

There is something really wrong. Really wrong with Rachel.

"Like if I was thinking about hurting myself?"

Quinn pulled back, her eyes widened slightly "You're not, are you? Please say you aren't, Rachel"

"No, i'm not" not anymore.

"You can't think about stuff like that. I need you around"

"You need me?"

"More than you'd ever think"

"I don't want to kill myself"

Quinn huffed like someone had kicked her in the stomach when Rachel had said the word 'kill' "Never think about that. Please"

Rachel nodded "I'm not"

"You know, it's amazing how much someone can mean to you just after knowing them for a couple of weeks"

"I know"

Quinn smiled, though she still looked worried "I better not leave Puck waiting to long"

"Don't fight on the way home. Please"

Quinn nodded in agreement as she walked backwards to her car "see you tomorrow, Labrat"

"Night, Quinn"

Quinn smiled one last time at Rachel before jumping into the car and driving off.

Rachel turned and headed into the house, jumping, like she always did, when she saw Ellie standing there "Have fun?"

"Was fine" Rachel shrugged and started walking upstairs but Ellie blocked her way.

"What've you been taking?"

"It's none of your damn business Ellie"

"You're my sister, I'm trying to look out for you. Just listen to me-"

"No, because you're _my _sister too and _I'm _trying to look out for you but you just won't fucking listen!" Rachel yelled, pointing her finger towards Ellie.

Ellie was taken aback, Rachel had never really blown up like that before unless she'd blacked out.

"You never listen. Just because I'm not entirely right up here" Rachel pointed her pointer finger against her temple, her eyes still boring into Ellie's "you think I don't know what I'm talking about but it's the fact the something up here don't work that helps me see that Pete is some waist of skin, oxygen thieving lowlife"

Ellie opened an closed her mouth, not entirely sure where to start "You work fine" she mumbled and Rachel shook her head, one of her hands coming up to cove her eyes.

"I don't, El. They're back and I can't stop'em like before. I can't stop'em and its like I'm back there again. It's all happening again and- and..."

"Hey, Rach. No, calm down" Ellie said, slightly panicked as she put her hands on Rachel's cheeks and brought the girls face up to look at her. The tears were shining in Rachel's eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks.

"I can't. I thought it was gone. I thought that's what the meds were for but they're not working anymore. Quinn has stopped them, both time but I can't seem to do it on my own"

"Fabray, right?" Rachel nodded, sniffing as one of the tears rolled down her face when she blinked "and what is it about Quinn that makes you relax"

"I don't know. I guess it's because she gets it"

"Dad and I get it"

"No you try and get it, and I'm thankful for that, but Quinn really understands"

Ellie nodded "You wanna sleep in my bed? Like we did as kids?"

"Can we watch.."

"Peter Pan. Yes I know" Ellie said in mock annoyance as she wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulder "you're ok, kid"

"I'm trying not to screw things up for myself. For once things are kinds good. I have friends"

"You won't screw it up. They know how great you're now"


	4. Chapter 4

She'd had a night terror last night. You know one of those ones where your mind is fully awake but you can't movie any part of your body or even scream. There doesn't have to be clowns or serial killers for those suckers to be scary and the sense of fear was with you all day the day after.

She had finally woken up from that around four am and hadn't fallen back to sleep, she hasn't wanted to either.

So she was pretty exhausted as she slouched round to Quinn's house, her hoodie pulled tightly around her because, damn, it was getting cold in Lima.

Rachel lightly knocked on the door, her back automatically straightening when a tall, dirty-blonde hairs man opened the door "Sir, hi"

"Hello, are you looking for Mikey?"

"N-no, sir. Uh, you're daughter, Quinn"

"Ah, I'm guessing you're Rachel"

"Yes sir"

"You're a lot more baby faced than I thought"

"Russell leave the girl alone and go get Quinn" a woman, also dirty-blonde, said, smiling as she walked over to Rachel "Hello, dear. I'm Judy"

"Nice to meet you, ma'am. I'm Rachel" Rachel replied, her eyes lifting from the ground to the woman in front of her.

"We've heard a lot about you, Rachel. Quinn hasn't stopped talking about you in two weeks. It's Rachel this, Rachel that. We're glad you're putting a smile on our little Quinnie's face"

Rachel was shocked, after blinking a few times she smiled and nodded "It's my pleasure, ma'am"

"What're you saying to her, mom?"

"Just telling her about how you used to think you were a super hero when you were a kid"

"Oh, god. Really?"

"No, but now she knows" Judy smiled, pressing her lips against her daughters head "behave. And nice to meet you, Rachel"

"You to ma'am"

"We'll be back for dinner. Are you staying for dinner Rachel?"

"Mom, lay off a little"

"Ok, she's staying for dinner" the woman said before turning and heading to her car where her husband was waiting.

Rachel blinking at the now closed door before turning to Quinn "I'm sorry, that went a little to fast for me. How did that end?"

"Dinner here tonight. Only if you wanna though, my moms a little crazy"

"Uh, ok sounds fun I guess"

"Yea, probably not" Quinn said, smiling a little before frowning a little "Did you sleep much last night?"

Rachel nodded, lightly chewing down on her lip "A little" Quinn opened he mouth to say something but Rachel cut in "Please don't ask if I'm ok. The question has been asked so much the past few weeks that its beginning to loose meaning"

Quinn nodded "You're a weird one, Labrat" she said but not in the nasty way everyone else did. This was said affectionately, sweetly.

"Are you alright?" Rachel asked, noticing the dark rings under Quinn's eyes "You look exhausted"

"What a nice way to say I look like shit" Quinn smiled over her shoulder as she looked through the DVDs.

"No, I didn't mean it like that. You look beautiful, always do, I just mean you have, like, dark circles under your eyes"

Quinn blinked in surprise as she looked up from the DVDs. Rachel could tell that that was the first time anyone had called her beautiful "I, uh, what?"

"Are you ok?" Rachel asked clearly.

"Yea, I guess"

"You guess? Why're you guessing surely you must know"

Quinn laughed, settling into the seat next to Rachel "I didn't sleep much last night. I failed my SATs"

"You can sit'em again"

"Why? Just to fail all over again"

"I'll help you study. I guess over the past few lonely years I've developed a knack for studying"

"You're on, Labrat"

"Tuesdays and Thursday? At the diner?"

"And then I'll sit'em again in January"

"And you'll pass"

"Maybe"

"No, you will. You must have had an off day the last time you sat them because you're the smartest person I know"

"You're sweet"

Rachel smiled, looking down at her hands before looking up at TV "What're we watching?"

"The lion king"Rachel nodded as Quinn pressed play on the DVD "you like the lion king?"

"Yea. Though my favorite was always Peter Pan as a kid. Would you want to be a child forever?"

"Nah, one life if sufficient enough for me. Would you?"

"In a place like Neverland, yea but not in this world"

"Yea, I agree"

Rachel sat back against the sofa, staying silent for a few minutes before turning to Quinn "So what sure hero did you pretend to be as a kid?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and laughed "Don't start"

"Oh come on, tell me"

"No"

"Hum, I'm guessing aquaman"

Quinn scoffed "Please, aquaman sucks"

"Then tell me who you were?"

"No"

"Fine. I'll ask your mom. She might even show me pictures to"

"Don't you dare because she will. All sorts of embarrassing pictures"

Rachel grinned, turning back to the TV "Gonna be fun"

"Jackass"

* * *

She couldn't remember falling asleep all she knew was that Bambi was now playing on the TV, someone was playing lightly with her fingers and her head was rested on something soft that smelt like apples and popcorn.

Rachel shuffled, lifting her eyes to see Quinn already looking down at her with a smile "Hi"

"Hello" Rachel mumbled huskily, realizing that she had her head on Quinn's shoulder. This caused her to sit up straight, her hand falling out from between Quinn's hands "Sorry"

"It's fine. I was comfortable"

"How long was I asleep for?" Rachel asked, stretching as she rubbed her eyes with her fists.

Quinn smiled down at Rachel, finding it adorable how much Rachel looked like a tired pup "Couple of hours"

Rachel sighed, groaning slightly as she tried to wake herself up "I'm sorry for falling asleep"

"It's fine. At least you didn't see me crying at the Lion King and Bambi"

"Good. I don't know what to do when people cry. When I was at my grans last year and my little cousin cried i just sort of patted him on the head" Quinn laughed, shaking her head lightly "I should probably call my dad"

"You think he'll be ok with you having dinner here?"

"Yea" Rachel answered putting her phone to her ear.

"Hello?"

"El, put dad on"

"Are you ok, kid? You took off before I woke up"

"I'm fine, Ellie. Put dad on"

There was rustling on the other end of the phone "Hello?"

"Dad, it's me. I'm having dinner at Quinn's tonight, I'll be home by eight"

"Ok, we have to talk so don't be home any later"

"Am I in trouble"

"No, of course not, sweetie. See you later"

"Bye dad"

"Are you in trouble?"

"He said I'm not but something must be up" Rachel shrugged, putting her phone back in her pocket and settling back into the sofa.

"How is you're sister?"

"Different. More withdrawn, I'm worried about her but she won't talk to me"

"I think you should tell someone"

"I couldn't. She would hate me"

"But she could get really hurt if you don't"

"But who?"

"I don't know"

"I'll talk to her first. See how that goes"

Quinn nodded, turning her attention back to the TV

* * *

She sat at the dinner table, Quinn to her left, her younger brother, Mikey, across from her and Quinn's mom and dad down at the bottom of the table.

She sat quietly as the family talked and joked. Quinn seemed happy around her family. Not like she is at school.

"Mikey take these dishes into the kitchen so that I can show Rachel the photo album"

"But mom it's Quinn's turn to do the dishes!"

"Just do it Mikey"

"Yea, do it twerp"

Mikey made faces at Quinn as he picked up the dishes and headed into the kitchen.

"These are the baby pictures" Rachel was never one for kids, they scared her but Quinn was all kinds of adorable as a kid.

"You were adorable as a kid"

"Are you saying I'm not adorable now?"

Rachel shook her head as she looked over the other pictures "You're beautiful now but you were crazy adorable back then" Rachel murmured like it was no big deal.

Quinn smiled as her mom raised her eyes curiously at Quinn and the blonde just shrugged. She tried to make out like what Rachel said was no big deal to but in reality her heart was thumping against her chest. She knew that really wasn't a good sign.

"I'm taking it that this is you as a super hero?" Rachel asked, pointing at the picture of Quinn were she was standing with her hands on her hips, grinning toothlessly up at the camera with a blanket wrapped around her neck.

"I was the best damn super hero you would have ever seen, Labrat"

"She still has the blanket. It's her safety blanket" Judy said, almost proudly and Quinn huffed.

"Mom!"

"I still have the teddy bear I used to sleep with as a kid" Rachel said with a shrugged "S'no big deal"

"See Quinn. 'S'no big deal'"

Quinn rolled her eyes at her mom before looking back down at the book "First day of school" Quinn pointed to one of the last pictures. She still didn't have a full set off teeth but she was grinning anyway, her blonde hair pulling up into two ponies either side of her head and her shirt was untucked on one side.

"Who's this?" Rachel asked, pointing at a picture of the family. Quinn, Mikey, Judy, Russell and another girl. Tall, blonde and pretty much what Rachel accused Quinn would look like in about four years.

"That's my older sister Anna. She's at college, Pilly"

"What is she studying?" Rachel asked? Lifting her eyes to look at Quinn for the first time since the book had came out.

"Child psychology"

Rachel nodded, cautiously closing the book and holding it out towards Judy "Thank you for letting me look at these, ma'am"

"No problem, honey" Judy smiled and disappeared to put the book away.

"You're the type of person parents just _love_, huh?"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Sometimes" Quinn said with a nod.

"And others?"

"Well if the 'rents like you they go on and on about you. They'll probably be in my ear until I ask you back again"

"And that's bad?"

"For you, yea"

"I really enjoyed myself tonight. Your brother seemed cool"

"Cool as in..."

"Just cool" Rachel shrugged "Not in the 'I wanna date him' kinda cool, though"

Quinn nodded "He's a dork anyway"

"Who?" Mikey asked, walking back into the dining room an picked up his phone.

"You, dork"

"Bite me, Barbie!" The boy snapped as he left the room.

"I should probably be getting home"

"I'll drive you"

"You don't have to"

"No, I wanna though"

"Ok, thanks"

"Mom, I'm driving Rachel home" Quinn called and after a few seconds just appeared at the door.

"You're leaving already?"

"My dad wanted me home, ma'am"

"Well you must come over another time"

"She will mom. We gotta go"

"Bye ma'am"

"Bye, Rachel"

"You sure you're willing to take on the responsibility of have my mother like you? We could totally go back in and ruin it for you"

Rachel chuckled, hopping into the car "Your moms nice. Now I see where you get it from"

"Always the charmer, huh Labrat?" Quinn said, reversing out the drive way.

"I'm just saying what i feel" rachel shrugged, resting the side of her head against the cold glass and looking up at the sky.

"And how do you feel about Kitty and Marley?"

"I don't really know Kitty but I really like Marley. She's nice"

"Not what I meant"

"Then what did you mean?"

"Them dating, does that bother you?"

"Why would it bother me? Their relationship isn't like my sisters, Marley really likes Kitty and, from what I can tell, Kitty likes her just as much. They have the good kind of relationship"

"So people being gay, it doesn't bother you?"

"That's what you meant? Quinn I had two dads"

"Had?"

Rachel just nodded and Quinn seemed to understand "So, what're you doing when you get in?"

"Talk to my dad and then go read a little"

"What're you reading?"

"Peter Pan. But not the kiddy version"

"How many times have you read that book?"

"This is my forth since I was thirteen" Rachel answered as they pulled up outside Rachel's house.

Rachel got out of the car, Quinn followed her out and up to the door "You don't always have to walk me to the door you know?"

"What? You get to be charming but I don't?" Quinn grinned playfully, leaning against Rachel's door.

"I wasn't trying to be charming"

"We'll it's a rare talent when someone can be charming without trying"

Rachel just smiled as Quinn stepped forwards, wrapping her arms around Rachel's waist. Rachel was beginning to get used to these hugs "You smell nice" the brunette murmured before she could even stop herself.

Quinn just chuckled, leaning her head against Rachel's head and pressing her nose against her cheek "If only you were a couple of years older"

Rachel sighed slightly, she knew she didn't have a chance in hell with Quinn but she figured it would have been because she was a complete freak, not because she was to young.

"B-but we're still friends, right"

Quinn chuckled, pulling back to look at Rachel "Of course numb nuts. But that's all we can be, no matter how sweet you are"

"I understand" Rachel nodded, chewing the inside of her cheek.

"I'd better get going but see you at school tomorrow"

"Bye"

Quinn smiled "Bye, Labrat"

Rachel watched Quinn head down the path and into her car, only heading inside when the car was gone.

"Rachel, that you?"

"Yea, dad" Rachel called, throwing her jacket onto the rack and heading into the front room where her dad was sitting.

"Take a seat kid"

"What's going on?"

"Are you doing ok?"

"I guess, why?"

"Ellie told me, about your blackouts and flashbacks, when did they come back"

Rachel sighed, resting her head in her hands "Just a couple of weeks ago. I've only had two and they've been stopped before they got to bad"

"That Quinn girl stopped them, right?" Rachel nodded "And how did they start again?"

"I don't know. I guess with school and just other things that's happened my heads been all over the place"

"What were they about?"

"I uh, I don't wanna talk about this, dad"

"Fine but I want you to go see the councilor at school"

"But dad..."

"No, no buts Rachel. I'm telling you not asking you"

"Why, dad? I haven't lost it, not once"

"Just do it, Rach"

"Fine, whatever. It won't help anyway" Rachel huffed, getting off the sofa and heading upstairs.

She jumped down on her bed and covered her head with her pillow, she was exhausted but didn't want to sleep because Quinn wasn't there to calm her down is she did wake up screaming.

"Hey, kid"

"Get out" Rachel growled and the door closed but Rachel knew Ellie hadn't left.

"I had to tell him Rachel"

"Why? Why the hell did you _have_ to?" Rachel snapped, looking up at Ellie.

"Because I was worried about you"

"And I'm worried about you but I don't go telling dad that you're Pete's personal punch bag" she regretted it as soon as it left her mouth and her heart dropped when Ellie's bottom lip trembled slightly but she held it together "I'm so sorry"

"No. No, it's fine"

"No, it's not. I'm so worried about you, El! I'm scared that I'm gonna come home and dad is going to be like 'sit down kid. It's about Ellie, Pete smacked her a little to hard and she fell and hit her head. Funerals next week' it's terrifying!"

Ellie just sat there. Rachel could tell she was shocked but there was something else, like she was ashamed "I don't want you to worry"

"But you're all I have left, El! You, dad, Quinn and Noah. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you"

"Nothing is going to happen to me, ok?" Ellie stressed, lightly wrapping her arms around Rachel's neck "Can I sleep on here with you?"

Rachel felt like she was the older sister now because Ellie wasn't asking to ease Rachel's mind, it was for herself, she was scared this time.

"Of course" Rachel agreed with having to think about it. She wanted to be mad at Ellie but she couldn't, not with her older sister looking _that_ vulnerable and maybe even a little broken "Lady and the tramp?"

Ellie smiled and nodded "I love you, kid"

"I love you too" Rachel replied, she didn't think they told each other that enough.

* * *

All should kept hearing was _'this isn't a shrink, Rachel' 'we're just hear to see how you're doing, Rachel' 'don't worry, Rachel'_

But she was worrying because the last time she was spoke to a person like this everything was really bad. The flashback, the nightmares and the blackouts. She beat up with on kid in middle school for stealing her pen but she couldn't remember any part of it apart from standing there after it happened, knuckles already blown up and blue while the kid just laid on the floor almost unconscious.

"Now, Rachel, do you want to tell me what the flashbacks are about?"

"I don't"

"Ok. Is there anyone you can tell? Maybe one of your family members or a friend?"

"I can't tell my friends. They'll think I'm a freak and stop hanging out with me"

"I'm sure that's not true"

"Would you wanna hang out with a ticking time bomb. It's only a matter of time until I blackout again and I could be worse the next time!"

"Why don't you write letters?"

Rachel frowned, sitting back in her seat "To who?"

"No one"

"So you're saying I've to write letters to _no one_?"

The woman nodded "Just pretend you're writing to someone and say what has been happening in your life and how you feel about it"

"Isn't that kinda like talking to yourself"

"I guess. But it can help"

"We're tryna make me a little less crazy here"

The woman ignored Rachel and continued talking "It can give you the sense of talking to someone without actually talking to someone"

"If I say I'll do it can I leave?"

"Yes"

"Fine I'll do it"

"Do one once a week"

"Ok"

"And if anything happens or things get worse you can come back and talk to me, ok?"

Rachel nodded, smiling politely and leaving the room. She was only in there for a max of ten minutes and her head was already pounding.

"Hey there, Labrat" Quinn smiled, her voice sounding a little concerned. Rachel knew she'd saw her coming out of the councilors office but the blonde didn't asked about it "We're ditching to go to the carnival it will be practically empty because everyone will be at school. You up for it?"

Rachel nodded because the last thing he needed was to be in class right now.

"Woo, the three musketeers!" Puck cheered, wrapping his arms around Rachel's and Quinn's shoulder.

Rachel laughed, allowing Puck to guide her out of the school.

"We're studying tonight, right?" Quinn asked, glancing over at Rachel as she drove out of the parking lot.

"At the diner" Rachel confirmed and Quinn smiled.

"And am I invited?"

"Nope" Quinn answered simply.

"Fine, I'll hang out with Sam" Puck shrugged "Who's already at the carnival?"

"Marley, Kitty, your brother and Brent"

That felt like a kick in the chest but Rachel tried to ignore it by turning to Puck and asking "You have a brother?"

"Half brother, Jake. He's nowhere near as cool as me"

"He must be a huge squat then, huh?"

"Ha, funny, Rachel. Real funny"

Rachel just shrugged, leaning against Pucks side "You alright?" Puck asked and Rachel noticed Quinn shooting a glare at the boy.

"Just a little tired"

"Well you better wake up 'cause I wanna kick your ass on the duck shooting games"

Rachel scoffed "You can try"

"Do I sense a challenge here?"

"I think you do"

"Then it's on, Berry"

Rachel grinned, taking her head off Pucks shoulder when they pulled up to the carnival.

"Come on and I'll kick your ass, Miss Berry"

Rachel just nodded, noticing Marley, Kitty, jake and Brent standing in the near empty parking lot. She hated that guy.

"You never said Mini Berry was coming" Marley said, smiling at Rachel and even Kitty smiled a little.

"We found her just wandering the halls"

"Hi, I'm Jake"

"Hi, jake I'm Rachel" Rachel smiled slightly her eyes wandering over to Quinn who now had an arm wrapped around her shoulder but her eyes were focused on Jake. Rachel looked up at Brent who was grinning at her slightly and he couldn't help just growl. The boy was just one of those douche bags.

"you got a problem with me or something, kid?"

Yup, definitely a douchebag

"Brent!" Quinn hissed but the boy just shook his head

"The little punk was growling at me!"

"I'm sure she wasn't, were you Rachel"

"I was" Rachel said making Quinn huff out a small breath.

"Then what's your problem, loser?"

"I think you know what my problem is, _loser_"

"I've never liked the look of you, there's always been something off about you. That sister of yours to"

"Don't bring my sister into this! Bag on me all you want be not me sister. Not ever!" Rachel warned and Brent just smirked knowing that there was nothing Rachel could really do about it if he did bad mouth her sister. This made her extremely angry.

"There's always been something freaky about you. Like you're hiding something"

"Brent I mean it. Shut the fuck up!" Quinn growled and the boy stopped. Rachel wasn't sure why he stopped, he wasn't scared of Quinn.

"Come on, Rachel. We're going to have a go on the shooting games" Puck said, one arm wrapped protectively around Rachel's shoulder as he and rachel walked off.

"Don't worry about him, alright? He's just some dumb college douche"

"He got into college?"

"Yup. Not sure how though"

"Yea" Rachel murmured distractedly, speaking up after a few minutes "Do you think Quinn's happy?"

"Quinn's never been happy, not really. There's a lot about Quinn that you don't know, that she doesn't _want_ you to know. There's a lot no one knows about Quinn too"

"She's ok though, right?"

"She's been dealing with it all of her life, she's pulling through it"

Rachel wanted to ask what 'it' was but she knew it wasn't Pucks place to tell her and even if he did tell her Quinn might not want her to know.

"I just wanna help her"

"I know and that sweet but Rachel is just a little to proud for your help. She really likes you so she thinks that telling you about what going on will make you think less of her"

"I could never think less of Quinn"

"I know that, told her that to, but she's scared" Rachel nodded because she knew what it felt like to be scared to tell people what's going on inside your head "Come on, lets go have fun and deal with it later"

* * *

"Come on, Rachel. Have a little fun"

"I'm not really in the mood. I just wanna go home" Rachel mumbled looking at Puck.

"You want me to take you home?" Jake asked and Rachel nodded.

"If you don't mind?"

"Of course not" Jake smiled and Puck grabbed onto the boys arm.

"Hands to yourself Jake, I mean it"

Jake held up his hands in defense "Chill out, bro"

"Jake..."

"Don't worry, Noah, it'll be fine" Marley assured and smiled slightly at Rachel.

Rachel smiled back as she headed towards Jake's car.

"So how old are you?" Jake asked as they drove out of the parking lot.

"Fifteen"

"And you're a freshman?"

"I got held back a year"

"Ah, right" the boy mumbled hit other than that he stayed quiet for the rest of the ride.

Rachel tapped her fingers restlessly against her leg, she didn't like being in a car alone with someone she just met.

Rachel began pointing and telling Jake where she lived but other than that she didn't speak much.

"So, shoot me if this it out of order but what's going on with you and Quinn?"

Rachel frowned, confused by the question "Quinn and I are friends, why?"

"Well just the way you were growling at the douchebag she's dating I thought that maybe you were jealous or something"

Rachel shook her head though she wasn't sure herself "Quinn's lovely and I don't think he's goo for her"

"So if you aren't crushing on Quinn you wouldn't mind going out with me Friday?"

"Uh, I um, I'm not really ready to date someone right now" Rachel answered, partly lying.

Jake nodded, she could tell he was Noah's brother, he had clearly taught him how to treat girls. Not like most other boys "Maybe some other time then"

"Yea, maybe" Rachel smiled nervously and hopped out of the car "Thank you, Jacob"

"Anytime, Rachel" Jake said as Rachel closed the door and heading into her house.

"Where'd you disappear to?" Ellie asked from the sofa where she was watching TV.

"What'd you mean?" Rachel mumbled as she sat down on the sofa next to her sister.

"You weren't in school after lunch" Ellie said, her hand coming up to play with her sisters hair as Rachel lent her head on her shoulder.

"Just wasn't in the mood for school but I wish id stayed"

"How was the councilor?"

"Bit of a tool" Rachel mumbled, frowning at the tv commercial that was saying how fleetwood Mac were having a CD signing in Kentucky "hey, you think you could take me to that?"

"Why?"

"Christmas present for Quinn, she loves fleetwood Mac"

Ellie frowned curiously and nodded "Sure, I'll take you"

"Thank you. I'm gonna sleep for a bit before meeting Quinn at the diner. Make sure I'm awake by six"

"Sure thing"


	5. Chapter 5

She was nervously waiting for Quinn to show at the diner, the only reason she was nervous was because of how she had left today.

She had ordered two shakes and was currently slurping on hers as she looked through her math book.

"Hey" Quinn said, jumping down on the seat across from Rachel making the brunette jump and almost choke on her shake.

"Hi"

"You ready for this? I'm not the easiest person to teach"

Rachel shrugged "You probably already know everything you gotta know, you just don't fully understand it"

"And are you gonna explain it to me?"

"As best I can" Rachel smiled.

Quinn nodded, sliding her shake across and sliding round until she was sitting next to Rachel, one arm on the seat behind Rachel and the other on the math book "Lets do this, Labrat"

They spent the next two hours studying. Rachel explaining something and Quinn freaking out a little when she didn't get it.

Once she finally understood the first part of the book she decided that there was no point in trying the next part because her brain couldn't handle it so she drove Rachel home.

"I'm sorry for today" Quinn mumbled as they walked up the path to Rachel's house.

"Don't apologize for him because I know he isn't sorry"

"Why were you growling at him?"

"You know why I was growling at him, Quinn. He hurt you!"

"But why are _you_ mad at him for that?"

"Because you're my _friend_ Quinn. I don't like the fact that someone might be hurting you"

"I, uh, have to get going. See you in school tomorrow"

"Call me if he ever hurts you again" Rachel said as Quinn headed towards her car.

"Your sister is your main priority right now, Labrat" Quinn smiled, hopping into her car before Rachel could say anything else and drove off.

Rachel sighed, heading into the house and going straight upstairs. She was home alone so she placed her fleetwood Mac cd into her laptop and began playing it as she grabbed her book and glasses and began reading

* * *

**_October 21st 2012_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ I don't know why the hell I'm doing this but the consoler said it would help? Apparently, to make someone less crazy, you just have them talk to a piece of paper because, you know, logic! Basically I've just to write down what I've been doing and how I feel about it like most 'normal' teen girls do. _**

**_So that's what I'm gonna do. Last night I was at the diner with Quinn, I should probably tell you who Quinn is, right? Well she's this girl at my school, senior, I'm a freshman, and she is just the best person I know. She's caring, smart, thought she doesn't think so, funny and a little crazy too. I'm not sure why though. Anyway, last night was out first study session because she failed her SATs, I personally think she was having an off day the day she took them, and we went to the local diner, they have the most amazing burgers, Quinn introduced me to them. It went pretty well though, when she was writing or reading, I couldn't help but just stare at her, is that creepy? But she is so pretty and has the most amazing eyes. Sometimes they're brown and other times they're green. I asked her about that and she said it just depends what color of shirt she wears. She said its math that gets her and I understand math pretty well, numbers are easier than people to work with, so I know she's going to pass when she takes them in January. She said she needs good SAT scored to go to Yale, she want to do law._**

**_My dad has been asking me what I want to do when I'm older and truthfully, I don't know. I haven't thought about it until now. I guess I should probably start since I leave for college in four years. Quinn leaves at the end of this year. I know, there's a lot about Quinn in this but I like her a lot. _**

**_Anyway, that's pretty much it. I've to write one of these once a week so look forwards to that! How could you finish something like this? Bye. _**

* * *

**_December 20th 2012_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ Everyone's left for Christmas. Noah to her dads along with Jacob, Marley is away to her grans in Toronto, Sam is at his moms in Florida, both Santana and brittany went to La and Quinn has left to go to her grans house in Texas. They've only been gone for three days and I'm missing them like crazy, more Quinn and Noah than anyone else though. _**

**_The nightmares have started again. Every night for the past couple of days and its beginning to get bad again. The flash backs an blackouts have came back to. I think it's because I'm thinking to much, I have a lot of time to think since Quinn and Noah left. _**

**_It's my birthday in four days. Sixteen. I'm old enough to drive now and I have my test books for the 27th. Other than that I'm not looking forwards to my birthday, I've never really enjoyed it, not since my daddy died. _**

**_My sister, dad and I leave for my nanas house on Christmas eve and my birthday morning. There will be twenty three different people there for Christmas. I enjoy seen my family I really do but there is just to many people at once and it's to much sometimes. _**

******_Anyway I'd better going. I'm gonna read and read so that I don't start thinking again. Bye. _**

* * *

The car ride was horrible. She had hoped that maybe this year would be different but again, Ellie was in a mood and argued with their dad which made him angry and Rachel just sat curled up in the back seat with her headphones in and her hands over her ears for good measure.

She had never been more glad when they reached her nanas house in New York. She always loves this city, there was something about it that just made her feel safe.

"How're you doing, honey?" Her nana asked as she walked into the house and Rachel just nodded, sitting down on the sofa, allowing her baby cousin climb up onto her knee.

"Hi" Rachel smiled, poking the girl on the cheek just as her cell buzzed. The girl reaching into her pocket and answered her cell as her cousin pinched her cheek "Ouch, Lisa that hurt! Hello?"

There was a chuckled on the other end and Rachel know straight away it was Quinn "You ok there?"

"Yea, sorry. Just being bullied by my cousin" Rachel answered, placing the girl on her knee onto the sofa and went outside into the snow "is it snowing where you are?"

"No, it rarely snows in Texas. Happy birthday, Labrat"

"Thank you, Quinn"

"What have you done so far?"

"Drove to New York"

Quinn was silent for a second, Rachel knew she hated small talk as much as she did "I miss you like crazy"

"What about Brent, do you miss him?"

Quinn sighed on the other end of the phone "Not as much as I miss you"

"Rachel! Lets go play in the snow!" One of her cousins, josh, yelled as he and four of her cousins ran out of the house.

"I'll let you go, you're clearly in high demand"

"I can't wait to see you"

"Boxing day. Christmas party at my house"

"Can't wait. Bye, Quinn"

"Stay safe, Labrat" Quinn said and then the line went dead. Rachel had missed Quinn before but now, after hearing her voice, it actually hurt how much she was missing her.

"Come on, Ray" her cousin yelled and Rachel decided that it would be something to keep her mind off of everything.

After an hour playing outside with her cousins Rachel headed inside, sitting on the stairs next to her sister.

"Can I ask you something, El?"

Ellie nodded, this seemed to be a yearly thing, both of them sitting out in the hallway while everyone else is together in the front room.

"Why is Quinn dating someone who treats her like trash?"

"Quinn has low self esteem" Ellie said bluntly and Rachel frowned. How could someone who looked like Quinn have low self esteem? "In freshman and sophomore year she would date guys who just used her for sex. She had a bit of a reputation but then she came back to junior year and was completely different. The girl she is now"

"So why is she dating him?"

"We accept the love we think we deserve, Rachel. And Quinn, well she thinks its lucky that Brent even looks at her never mind 'loves' her"

"But he doesn't love her"

Ellie dragged her tongue across her lips, looking down at her younger sister "Do you? Love Quinn I mean?"

"I think I might" Rachel said, frowned down at her hands. She didn't have a problem admitting she loved people it was just that she didn't actually love anyone outside her family, until now "It's different with Quinn. Everything, even studying, feels like I'm on a roller coaster. I feel like how I'd assume footballers feel when they score the winning touch down when I'm around Quinn"

Ellie smiled at her sister "And how do you think Quinn feels about you"

"I know we're friends. Good friends too but I'm just this little kid. Little Labrat"

"Labrat?"

Rachel smiled a slightly dopy smile as she nodded "It's her nickname she calls me"

"Just be careful kid. You could get hurt"

"She already told me I'm to young for her but I think there's something else to it"

"Just be careful"

Rachel nodded, smiling as her sister smoothed down her hair.

* * *

**_December 26th 2012 _**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ Christmas was awful, pretty much how it is every year. Everyone argued, my Pops claimed that most of us were a disappointment and I lost it a little towards the end of Christmas dinner. Long story short my Pops began talking about my mom and everything just came rushing back. The Christmas before she shot herself she was majorly depressed. She tried to OD on pills, I think maybe sleeping pills? And I founded her when we drove home that night passed out on the bathroom floor. Cold, pale and foaming from the mouth. My Pops still didn't stop when I started shaking and sweating. My sister had to take me out to the car and we left. I don't think we'll be going back next year. _**

**_I'm going to Quinn's house for a Christmas party in about an hour. It's not really a party, more of a get together. I'm so excited to give Quinn her present. I got Noah something to, a signed Tony Romo shirt but I know Quinn is going to love her present, at least I hope she does. _**

**_I'd better start getting ready. Bye. _**

She rung the bell and bounced nervously on her toes. She couldn't wait to see Quinn and Noah.

"Rachel, honey, hi!" Quinn's mom smiled, pulling Rachel into a hug "How was your Christmas?"

"Fine, ma'am. How was yours?"

"Great. It was your birthday on Christmas Eve to, right? How was that?"

"Mom, let her in the door" a voice said from behind Judy and Rachel instantly grinned.

"Oh, yes, sorry Rachel" the woman hurried to movie aside bringing Quinn into Rachel's eyeline. The blonde was biting down on one corner of her lip the other corner was pulled up into a smiled, her eyes staring warmly at Rachel.

"Labrat" Quinn mumbled, walking over to Rachel.

"Quinn" Rachel grinned, wrapping her arms tightly around Quinn's neck when the blonde wound her arms around her waist.

"Jesus, I missed you" Quinn mumbled against her ear and Rachel smiled.

"I missed you to. More than you realized"

"Puck's in the front room. He's the only one who's here"

"I have something for both of you" Rachel said as she and Quinn walked into the front room.

"Rachel!" Puck cheered, grabbed Rachel and spinning her around "Nice sweater!"

Rachel looked down at her reindeer sweater "My nana bought it for me"

"Cute" Puck grinned, holding out a box to Rachel "Open it. Open it" he chanted like an excited child at Christmas. Rachel smiled and opened the box "it's a book about writing. I remember you saying a few times that you wanted to be a writer so I thought you would like this"

"Thank you, Noah. This is for you" Rachel held out the shirt to Puck and the boy squealed like a child, kissing Rachel on the cheek.

"Thank you!" He said, pulling the shirt he was wearing off and pulling on the football shirt.

Rachel chuckled, turning to Quinn and holding out the cd to her "This is for you"

Quinn blinked, running her finger over the signature "How did you get it signed?"

"They were doing a signing in Kentucky in October so I went down and got it for you"

"Well, now I'm glad I got you two things because I know this wouldn't match up on its own" Quinn said, still slightly shocked as she held out a book to Rachel "It's one of the first editions of Peter Pan. I know you've read it but I figured it was a good collectible. Your other presents up stairs, we'll go up a little later and get it"

"Thank you. I will read this one from now on"

"That'll be the rest of the guys" Puck said, walking past the girls and to the front door. Rachel hasn't even heard the door she was to absorbed in the girl in front of her.

"Party time, bitches!" Santana called, holding up the whiskey "this is to keep us warm"

"Nice sweater, Berry" Marley said, lightly ruffling Rachel's hair making Rachel grin slightly.

"What is it, a reindeer?" Brittany asked, poking Rachel's belly when it's red nose was and Rachel giggled.

"Here's my bestest freshman" Sam pulled Rachel into a hug.

Rachel finally felt happy again, after a week of not seeing these people she finally felt like she was safe again.

* * *

She only took one glass of whiskey and sipped at it the full night as they watched cheesy Christmas movies, she wasn't much of a drinker.

Two movies into the night Quinn leant over towards Rachel "You wanna go upstairs and look at your last present?"

"You honestly don't have to..."

Quinn cut Rachel off by grabbing Rachel's hand and dragging her off the sofa.

"Behave, ladies" Santana mumbled halfheartedly as she continued watching the TV.

Rachel smiled as she walked into Quinn's room. There wasn't much to it. The walls were white and filled with pictures. She frowned at the picture that was tacked to her head board, it was a picture of Rachel, Quinn and Puck. Rachel couldn't even remember it being taken.

"That's my favorite picture. You weren't even paying attention, you were to busy talking to Marley"

"You have so many pictures"

"It's better than wallpapering the room" Quinn shrugged, walking over to her dresser and putting her hands on the box "Happy birthday" Rachel walked over next to Quinn and looked at the box "are you planing on opening it with your mind?"

Rachel chuckled, opening the box and her eyes widened slightly "An old typewriter. This much has cost a bomb, Quinn"

"That doesn't matter. You said you wanted to be a writer and all writers need a typewriter" Quinn shrugged "Maybe you could write about me"

Rachel stepped forwards and typing 'I will' onto the paper.

Quinn smiled, sitting down cross legged on the bed "have you ever kissed anyone, Rachel?"

Rachel bit down on her lip and shook her head as she sat on the bed "No"

"Never had a boyfriend or girlfriend?"

"No. When was your first kiss?"

"I was eleven"

"Oh, was he your first boyfriend or?"

Quinn shook her head "He was my dads friend" Rachel frowned lightly, if it was her dads friend he must have been at least thirty and that would mean... "I want your first kiss to be with someone who loves you, Rachel" Quinn said, breaking Rachel from her thoughts.

"Someone who loves me?"

Quinn nodded, shifting so that she was on her knees in front of Rachel "I know you know I'm dating Brent and I know I said you were to young for me but I want your first kiss to be special"

Rachel swallowed nervously and nodded.

"You trust me?" Quinn asked, bringing her hand up to cup Rachel's cheek.

"More than anyone ever"

"Good" Quinn mumbled, leaning forward and resting her head against Rachel's and placing her hand over the left part of Rachel's chest "Relax" she said when she felt Rachel's heart pounding against her ribcage.

"It's hard when you're this close"

Quinn smiled, rubbing her nose slightly against Rachel's as she leant forward and taking Rachel's bottom lip between hers.

Rachel gasped lowly as her eyes closed automatically and she pouted her lips slightly. She didn't really know what she was doing.

Quinn pulled back and pressed her head against Rachel's "I love you"

Rachel knew that, chances are, Quinn meant it in a friend way but it still felt amazing to have someone tell her that "I love you too" Rachel replied, she meant it in a completely different way than Quinn did.

"We should go downstairs. They'll be putting nightmare before Christmas on soon"

"Ok" Rachel agreed, her mind still foggy from the kiss.

Quinn chuckled, noticing how out of it Rachel seemed "You're adorable, Labrat" Quinn smiled, standing from the bed and heading downstairs.


	6. Chapter 6

_**December 27th 2012**_

_**Dear friend,**_

_** I know it hasn't been a week since my last letter but something big happened last night. Quinn kissed me. That's right Quinn Fabray kissed ME!**_

_** A**_

_**Even though it was perfect there was something that has been nagged at me. It's something she said before she kissed me, about her first kiss being with her dads friend. I want to ask her about it be I feel like its none of my business. I probably will ask about it but I won't write it on one of these because someone could read these, even if I don't want them to, and see something that should never get out. **_

_**I also passed my drivers test this morning, my dad said I'm still not aloud to drive though. Not in this weather. **_

_**Anyway that's all I really wanted to say, I guess I was wrong about this letter thing, I has helped a little. Gotta go, I'm going to start reading the new book Quinn got me and this is also my first letter on the old typewriter Quinn got me. I kinda love it. Ok, bye. **_

She was excited for the party tonight, this would be the first time she would be spending New Years away from her family.

"You don't have to be here you know? You can go back and spend it with your family, I'll come with you to of you'd like"

"No, it's New Years. Normal teenagers go to parties"

"Forget normal teens, what do you wanna do?"

"Party"

"Ok, Labrat. Lets go party" Quinn smiled warmly, wrapping her arm around Rachel's shoulder as they walked into the house.

"I'll come find you around twelve, alright?" Quinn said, wrapping one arm around Rachel's neck and disappearing into the crowed. Rachel knew the drill by now. Quinn would bring her to the party, disappear to find Brent and Rachel would go find Noah or Marley. Same old routine.

"What you just standing there for, Berry? Lets go" Santana yelled over the music, wrapping an arm around Rachel's shoulder and taking her into the front room where Marley, Brittany and Puck where.

"Ah, there's my girl!" Puck cheered, grabbing Rachel around the waist and pulling her to sit down on his lap.

"There you go freshman" Sam smiled, pushing his way through the crowed and holding out one of those paper tabs, LSD if she remembers correctly? It was larger than the last one but Rachel took it anyway. Placing it on her tongue and waiting about ten seconds before swallowing it.

"Rachel, I didn't think you were coming" Jake said, jumping down on the sofa next to her.

"I had to have dinner with my family so I was a little late" Rachel said, positioning herself a little more comfortably on Puck's lap.

"Well I'm glad you're here, I wanna kick your ass at beer pong"

"Lets do it then"

"Yes, lets" Jake grinned, getting off the sofa and grabbing twelve solo cups and handing six to Rachel before setting his up on the floor in front of the sofa "I'll go get the beer and a ball and you set your cups up"

Rachel nodded, sitting on the floor and positioning her cups like Jake.

Jake walked back into the room half a minute later with ten beers and handed five to Rachel "Probably to much but whatever"

"I bet Mini Berry wins this" Marley said, sitting next to Rachel as the brunette filled up her cups.

Once everything was ready jake bounced the ball over to Rachel "Since you're new to this game I'll let you go first"

"You sure you don't wanna give yourself a chance?"

"Just shoot the ball, Berry" Rachel shrugged, throwing the ball and grinning when it fell easily into the cup. Marley cheered and Jake laughed "Beginners luck" Jake said, downing his drink.

"You'd better hope so" Rachel smiled, downing her drink when Jake got the ball in.

Rachel wasn't much of a drinking so after the game, which she won, she was feeling a little light headed.

"Are you drunk, Mini Berry?" Marley asked, grinning slightly.

"Maybe a little?" Rachel answered with a giggle.

"Oh yea, you're drunk"

Rachel grinned, sitting down on the sofa in between Jake and Noah "if you has a Mohawk you guys would look like twins" the girl said, running her hand through Pucks hair.

"I'm not sure if you're more high or more drunk"

"Both" Rachel said with a shrug, watching Marley and Kitty set the cups up at her feet. She was shocked to see Kitty here because she was popular and popular kids hardly ever come to these parties but she knew why the cheerleader was here.

She sat there for the rest of the night watching people take shots on the beer pong but started to feel a little closed in when a crowd began to gather so she got up and pushed her way through the crowed and out the house. Frowning at the tree in the front yard, she could have sworn it was a dragon but now it was back to a tree and then a dragon again. Rachel squeezed her eyes closed and walked over to the drive way, she decided that shoveling the drive way would keep her mind off that tree, or maybe a dragon? Whatever it was.

She worked her way in a circle, trying to keep her eyes off of the tree.

"Ah, there you are" a voice said making Rachel jump and close her eyes, hoping it wasn't the tree talking "What're you doing?" Quinn chuckled, grabbing onto Rachel's hand that was wrapped around the shove "You're freezing, Rachel!"

"That tree. It was a dragon, then a tree then a dragon again. But it stopped when I started shoveling but everything's spinning now"

Quinn took the shovel out of Rachel's hand and tossed it into the snow before grabbing onto Rachel's hands "Look up" Rachel did as she was told, looking up at the sky "the dragons not real and the spinning is just the drink. Put these on, they'll stop the dragon" Quinn drug into her pocket and pulled out a set of glasses and pushed them onto Rachel's face "There you go. You're fine now"

"I'm fine. A little warm but fine"

"You're warm? What kind of warm?"

"Like you know when you're sick and you get hot and cold flushes? That kind of warm"

"We should get you inside but first, happy New Years" Quinn smiled, pressing her lips against the corner of Rachel's mouth.

"Uh, yea. Happy new year" Rachel mumbled dreamily, allowing Quinn to pull her into the house.

"Happy new year" Puck said, pecking Rachel on the head "Nice glasses"

"Thank you"

"Happy new year, Rachel" Jake said, smiling as he kissed Rachel's knuckles. Rachel could feel Puck's and Quinn's eyes burning into the back of her head.

"Happy new year, Jacob" Rachel smiled, walking past the boy and sitting on the sofa to watch the time square coverage.

"You sure you're ok?" Quinn asked, leaning on the back off the sofa and placing her hand on Rachel's head.

"Fine. Just wanna watch TV"

Quinn nodded, smoothing down Rachel's hair "just come find me if you need me"

Rachel nodded, chewing on her thumb nail and pushed the glasses up her nose "I will"

Quinn nodded, turning and disappearing through the crowed. She should be pissed that Quinn keeps disappearing on her but she understood. She didn't know if she was scared of Brent but she knew Quinn didn't want to upset him.

She sat and watched the time square coverage. Two hours past with her watching these people on the TV talking but she couldn't hear what they were saying so she just started making up things she though they were saying in there head.

She felt like she was starting to overheat again so she got to her feet and headed outside and down the front law. She was just walking because that party was making her feel closed in and over heating, she walked down to the edge of the woods and fell back onto the snow. Everything was spinning again, even with the glasses on. She could feel everything close in around her and before she knew it everything had blacked out.

* * *

There was beeping, quiet rhythmical beeping to.

_Beep. Beep. Beep. _

She slowly opened her eyes, not entirely sure what she was going to see and frowned when she saw the white walls, and the wire hanging out of her arm and her sister was clutching onto her hand, her other hand on her head.

"El?"

Her sisters eyes snapped up to her "Rachel. Thank god!" Ellie sighed, wrapping her arm around Rachel's shoulder.

"What happened?"

"They found you at six am at the side of the road. You were past out and frozen. What were you thinking Rachel? You could of died of hypothermia"

Rachel blinked, looking around the room, how did she end up here? She was sure she would have made it home.

"Dad doesn't know. He's stayed in Cleveland with uncle Joey. Jesus Christ, I was so worried about you, kid"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blackout"

"You blacked out?"

"I think I did. I could just have fallen asleep"

"Quinn called about an hour ago. She had been looking for you all night"

"Where is she?"

"Rachel!" Quinn huffed, slightly out of breath.

"There she is"

"Jesus fuck, Rachel. Are you alright? You aren't hurt are you?" Quinn asked, holding Rachel's face in between her hands and running her eyes over Rachel's face.

"I'm ok Quinn. I think, everything is just a little fuzzy"

"Where the hell did you go! I told you not to disappear, Rachel"

"Stop calling me by my name. It sounds weird with you calling me my name so often"

Quinn breathed out a chuckled, pressing her head against the side of Rachel's head "You are never taking any kind of drug again. Ever!"

"I don't wanna. It went weird last night"

"What happened?"

"They found her at six am this morning past out in the snow"

"Why where you out in the snow?"

"I felt closed in in the house and I was real warm"

"What was she taking?" Ellie asked, looking over at Quinn as the blonde sat on the other side of the bed.

"LSD I think. And she was drinking"

"You aren't going to any parties again"

"I'll look after her next time"

"You should have been looking after her this time!"

"Ellie!"

"No, Labrat she's right. I should have been looking after you. Not just last night but all the other times. I'm sorry that I didn't"

"No, I'm not some kid who has to be kept on a leash! I don't _need_ someone looking after me, alright?! I made the choice to take that stuff and drink so don't treat me like I'm a toddler! I'm sixteen"

"You know that's not what we think of you Rachel"

"It's just that you're at parties with people older than you and you could be easily influenced"

"But I'm not easily influenced though. I don't need you both looking out for me!"

"Ah, miss Berry. How're you feeling?"

"Fine" Rachel nodded, sitting up in the bed "when can I go home?"

"Now, if you're ready but you need some rest so is there anyone there to look after you. A parent?"

"I'll look after her" Quinn said before Ellie could even open her mouth.

"I'm her big sister I'll look after her"

"We both will"

"Ok" the doctor nodded, holding Rachel's arm and carefully pulling the drip out "well if you would like to get dressed you can go home"

"Ok, thank you, doctor"

The doctor smiled, leaving the room.

"Your clothes are in here" Ellie held up the bag of clothes.

"Thanks, can you leave so I can get dressed" the older girls nodded, leaving the room "Crazy chicks" the brunette murmured as she pulled on her clothes.

Once she was dressed she walked shakily out of the room "you alright?" Quinn asked grabbing onto Rachel's elbow.

"I'm fine" Rachel pulled her arm away from Quinn. Not because she didn't like the blonde touching her but because she still felt a little closed in, like at any moment she would black out again.

"Ok" Quinn mumbled, a little unsure as the group got into Ellie's car.

"Dad will be home soon so we will just say that you and Quinn spent all night watching movies and you will be asleep all day"

Rachel nodded, resting her head on Quinn's shoulder.

"I love you, labrat"

"Love you too" Rachel mumbled sleepily.

The drove the rest of the car ride in silence, Rachel just falling asleep as they pulled up to her house "you ok to walk on your own?"

Rachel nodded sleepily, walking into her house and straight up to her bed.

"It's fine, I can look after her from here" Ellie snapped to Quinn and the blonde nodded, turning to walk back out of Rachel's room when the brunette grabbed her wrist.

"Please don't leave"

Quinn looked down at the brunette and then up to her sister who gave an understanding nod "I'll be downstairs if you need anything" the girl said before turning and leaving.

"Come lay in here with me so I can have a sleep without nightmares?" Rachel pleaded, looking up at Quinn with tear filled eyes.

"Hey, it's ok Rachel" Quinn kicked off her shoes and climbed under the covers, wrapping her arms around Rachel's waist as the girl rested her head on her shoulders "why're you crying, love?"

"I'm scared, Quinn. Everything is different since I woke up. Everything seemed wonky and not real and I don't like it Quinn. I don't. It's like I've been in a nightmare since I woke up"

"Sh, you're safe Rachel. I promise it's just an after effect, you're going to be alright. All of this will pass in a day or two"

"Don't leave, not until I wake up" Rachel whispered, her fist closed around Quinn's jumper.

"I'm not going anywhere until you're better Rachel. I'm not leaving you again"

Rachel nodded lightly against Quinn's shoulder, allowing herself to fall asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_**January**_******_ 11th 2013_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ I know I should have wrote one of these last week but I've been kind of sick and this is me just beginning to feel like myself again. _**

**_So here's what happened; I went to a party on New Years and I ended up in hospital. Apparently LSD just isn't for me and I'm completely ok with that. I experienced the best thing I think I could ever experience on New Year's Day. I feel asleep AND woke up next to Quinn. It was amazing and I would do it for the rest of my life if I could but she left the next day. She's been back almost everyday since then but only for about an hour or so, Noah has stopped by to and Jake. Jake asked me to this dance. It's supposed to be a dance where the girl asks the boy to it but I wasn't even planing on going so I hadn't asked anyone and then Jake asked me so I agreed. I'd be lying if I said that me going with him wasn't more to make Quinn jealous than anything else. I know that's not a nice thing to do but it's done now._**

**_The dance is tonight so I'd better get ready and stuff. Also I feel like I should mention that my sister has been acting weird recently. She's hardly even spoke to me she's just been locked away in her room. I'm going to try and talk to her after the dance. Bye. _**

* * *

"Rachel, Jacob's here for you" her dad called from down stairs as she pulled on her jacket and headed downstairs.

"Hey, Rach" the boy smiled, holding out his hand to Rachel "ready to go?"

Rachel nodded, saying bye to her dad. If she was being honest, she didn't want to go here. She didn't even dance.

Jake smiled over at her as they began driving to the dance. She'd be lying of she said that Jake wasn't cute and Puck had past on his respect for woman to him so he wasn't exactly a bad guys so maybe she should give him a chance.

"How're you feeling?"

"Better. I don't feel like I'm gonna throw up every time I stand up which is a plus"

"Yea, that's always a plus"

"How're you?"

Jake nodded "Fine. Glad you decided to come her with me tonight"

Rachel just smiled, hopping out of the car when they pulled up into the parking lot.

"You want a drink?" Jake called over the music and Rachel nodded, standing against the wall as Jake went to get them drinks.

* * *

How long do dances normally last? It'd been two hours and she just wanted to leave. Jake was leaning against the wall next to her talking to one of his friends from the Lacrosse team.

Rachel sighed, her eyes scanning over the room. Her sister was here, though she still looked like she was in her mood, Puck was there dancing playfully with Marley and then there was Quinn, standing against the far wall on her own. Rachel frowned, pushing herself off of the wall and made her way over to Quinn.

"Isn't Brent here?"

Quinn shook her head, not looking at Rachel "He said he didn't wanna come to some dumb high school dance"

"Smile, Quinn, someone could e falling in love with it"Quinn smiled, looking over at Rachel "You look really pretty"

"You look nice to, Labrat"

"So who did you come her with?"

"On my own. But you came here with Jake, right?"

"Yea"

"And how is your first date?"

Rachel shrugged "Don't know, nothing to compare it to" the brunette mumbled, scanning the dance floor, her eyes coming to rest on her sister who was growling up at Pete who looked pretty angry himself.

Ellie yelled something at Pete, Rachel couldn't hear over the music, as hit him in the chest before stomping off.

Rachel didn't think twice before following after her but by the time she had pushed her way through the crowed Ellie was gone.

Rachel sighed, turning to head back into the hall and banging into Quinn's chest "What happened?" Quinn asked, her hands coming to rest on Rachel's waist to stop her from falling over.

"Don't know" Rachel mumbled, pushing past Quinn and back into the hall "What did you do!" Rachel growled when she found Pete.

"I didn't _do_ anything. That thing is nothing to do with me"

"Don't ever speak about my sister like that!" Rachel snapped hit before she could jump forward Quinn had her arms pinned behind her back.

"If you've hurt her sister I'll hurt you ten times worse, Pete" Quinn sneered, pulling Rachel back and out of the hall.

"Can you take me home? I need to make sure my sister is ok"

"of course, lets go" Quinn agreed, leading them out to her car "It's probably nothing. Just a dumb fight"

"She was _crying_ Quinn! My sister doesn't cry over a dumb fight"

"Sorry, I'm just trying to make you feel better"

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be taking this out on you but I'm just worried. My sister hasn't been right for days. She spent all morning throwing up, yesterday to" Quinn glanced over at Rachel but didn't say anything "What?"

"Maybe she's... No, nothing"

"What, Quinn?!"

"Nothing, just forget it"

Rachel sighed, getting out of the car when they stopped outside her house "Thanks"

"Call me if you need anything, ok?"

Rachel nodded, closing the door and heading into the house "El?" There was no reply but judging by the sniffing and sobbing she was in the front room "Ellie?"

"Leave me alone, Rachel"

"No, really Ellie, what's the matter"

"Go away, Rachel"

"Ellie.."

_"Fuck off, Rachel!_" Ellie yelled and Rachel jumped, her sister had never yelled at her like that before so she decided that maybe it was better to leave her alone but before she could leave Ellie wrapped her arms around Rachel's neck.

"Sh, it's ok" Rachel murmured into Ellie's ear. The older girls legged buckled underneath her and Rachel just managed to lowly both of them onto the carpet "Sh"

Her sister sobbed into her neck for the next ten minutes before she was calm enough to be able to talk.

"What happened, El? Did he hurt you?"

Ellie shook her head "I'm pregnant"

Rachel blinking, Pete's words coming back into her mind

'_That thing is nothing to do with me'_

It wasn't Ellie he was talking about it was the baby.

"Say something, Rachel"

"Uh, congrats?" Rachel mumbled, realizing it was the wrong thing to say when her sister gave her a death glare "I don't know what to say, Ellie"

"Well Pete sure did"

"What did he say?"

"That it wasn't his. That it must be someone else's"

"But it is his?"

"Of course it is Rachel!"

Rachel wasn't good at this kind of thing so chances are she was going to keep saying the wrong thing.

"What're you going to do?"

"I'm going to tell him it was a false alarm"

"But won't he know that it wasn't when you're the size of a house?"

Ellie shook her head, biting down on her lip "I need someone to take me to the clinic tomorrow"

It took Rachel about half a minute to understand when she meant by that, her brain wasn't exactly working to full capacity right now "Are you sure that's what you want?" Rachel asked and the nodded Ellie gave her was enough for her to be on board.

"So tomorrow?"

"Yea"

"Ok, I think we should get some sleep. You wanna sleep in my bed?"

Ellie nodded, shakily getting to her feet "I'm just gonna go get changed"

Rachel nodded, also getting to her feet and heading to her room. She took out her phone and quickly texted Quinn.

_'Everything's fine. You were right it was just a dumb fight. Night x'_

She threw her phone onto the bedside table and quickly put Ellie's favorite movie, lady and the tramp, on.

About five minutes later her sister walked into the room, eyes still puffy and red. Rachel hated seeing her sister like this. Ellie fell down on the bed next to Rachel, her arms wrapping around Rachel's arm.

"Lady and the tramp is on"

"Thanks kid" Ellie mumbled halfheartedly. It was pretty dumb of Rachel to think a movie could solve everything.

"I love you, El" Rachel said, running her free hand through Ellie's hair.

"Love you too" Ellie mumbled and within a few seconds was asleep.

Two hours later he dad came home, frowning when he saw them cuddled up in bed together "What happened?"

"Ellie had an argument with Pete. It was nothing serious, she'll be fine by tomorrow. We're both going to the movies"

"And you're sure she's ok?"

"Yea fine. You know teenagers, one argument and its the end of the world"

Her dad nodded "Give me a shout if you need anything"

"I'm going to go to sleep anyway"

"Night then"

"Night dad"

* * *

One thing she hates most was magazines. They objectify woman and made teenagers think that a size zero was healthy when it is scientifically proven that being a size zero is really bad for you yet here are these magazines, calling woman '_fat_' because they're a size eight. Rachel didn't get it.

It wasn't that she could read the magazines anyway, she was to nervous but just thinking about how much she hated them seemed to keep her mind off of the fact her sister was in a strange room with a complete stranger.

She knew her sister couldn't get hurt from this but she knew that Ellie was scared and when your older sister is scared you end up scared. She had to hold it together because if she started crying they might not let her drive home and then they would call her dad. Ellie would hate her for that.

She jumped to her feet when Ellie came out of the room, her face sheet white and the circle under her eyes so much dark then when she went in.

"She needs a lot of rest and you will probably be waiting on her hand and foot all day" the doctor said as Rachel wrapped her arm around Ellie's waist.

"She's gonna love that. Thanks, Doc" Rachel smiled, carrying her sister out to the car and opening the back door where she had set up a blanket and a pillow.

"Thank you, Rachel" Ellie whispered as Rachel helped her into the back seat.

"Don't thank me. I'm just glad I got my license" Rachel teased but her sister didn't even smile. The girl just laid down in the back seat and curling her arms around the pillow.

Rachel sighed, closing the door and jumping in the front seat. She had remembered to bring her book to read while she waited for Ellie to have a rest. She turned the car on and turned on the heater to keep her sister warm before settling down and reading her book.

* * *

Her sister was asleep for four hour but Rachel didn't mind, she was more than happy sitting reading her book while her sister snored in the back of the car.

Once her sister was awake they drove home, Ellie still looked weak but not as weak as before she'd slept.

"Ah, there you two are"

"Hi, dad"

"How was the movie?"

"Good" Rachel shrugged.

"What did you go see?"

Rachel froze. She was never a good liar.

"Spiderman. It was Rachel's choice, I guess it was ok"

"Yea" Rachel agreed, thankful that Ellie had jumped in.

"Well dinners ready"

"I'm actually not hungry dad, we ate while we were out" Ellie smiled before turning and heading upstairs.

"Ok then"

Rachel sighed, looking at the food. She was hungry, really hungry but if she ate it would look suspicious. Rachel pouted to herself as she walked upstairs and into her room.

* * *

**_January 18th 2013_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ So here's what's weird, even after leaving Jake at the dance and never agreeing to anything somehow we're dating now. Sure Jake's nice and we've kiss a few times but it was nothing compared to kissing Quinn. I don't think anyone would match up to her. _**

**_It feels weird having a boyfriend, though he's always the one talking. I feel like its completely one sided, well it is. I like Jake, he's nice but I don't want to date him. I just don't know how to tell him that without hurting him and then Noah falling out with me for hurting his brother. _**

**_Ellie is feeling a little better. She told Pete that it was a false alarm and he suggested that they got back together. Ellie told him where he could shove his relationship (I've never heard words like that come from my sister) and walked away from him. I'm extremely proud of her for that. _**

******_Anyway, bye. _**

* * *

**_February 28th 2013_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ This is beginning to get a little to much. All Jake does is talk and I can't even get a word in edge ways. That's not all it is, I feel like I'm lying to everyone because I'm still dating him and he told me he really really liked me and I just said 'yea, me to' I'm going to tell him the truth, I promise. After the party tonight I will tell him. _**

**_Speaking of the party I'd better get ready, Jake is coming to pick me up in a bit. See you. _**

* * *

"Ah, you're both just in time for a game of truth or dare" Puck grinned from his seat on Quinn's front room floor.

There was eight people sitting on the floor. Marley, Kitty, Puck, Santana, Brittany, Sam, Quinn and Brent.

Rachel smiled, sitting down next Quinn and Jake took a seat next to her.

"Ok, Marley. Truth or dare?"

"Truth"

"Who's a better kisser Kitty or Josh?"

"Kitty. Without an shadow of a doubt" Marley answered without even having to think about it and Kitty grinned, placing a kiss on Marley's neck.

"Sam. Truth or dare?"

"Dare!"

Rachel rolled her eyes with a slight smile on her face. Of course Sam would say dare.

"I dare you to kiss Rachel"

"I don't think that's appropriate, do you?" Quinn asked, glaring at Brent.

Brent held up his hands in defense "Ok, ok. Sam, I dare you to spend the rest of the game with your shirt off"

Sam rolled his eyes and pulled his shirt over his head "Easy"

"Ok, Rachel. Truth or dare?"

"Dare"

"Ok" Marley said, leaning forward a little. Making sure to keep her hand wrapped around Kitty's "I dare you to kiss the person you think is the most beautiful"

Without even thinking about it Rachel turned and pressed her lips against Quinn's and everything went silence. Clearly everyone was shocked, expecting her to kiss Jake since they were dating.

The only thing she could hear was Jake getting to his feet and then Brittany and then Quinn "Quinn, I..."

"No, Rachel don't. I think you've don't enough damage for one night, don't you? Jesus what the fuck is wrong with you?" Quinn snapped and Rachel's heart sunk. Quinn had never used that tone of voice on Rachel before.

"Come on, Rach. You'd better go" Puck said, helping Rachel to her feet and walking her to his car.

"I should go back and apologize to Jake"

"I think you've done enough. Maybe you should just stay away for a bit"

Rachel nodded, getting into the car. They drove in silence until they reached Rachel's house. Rachel was crying, she couldn't help it she'd ruined everything.

"It's a shame you dated my brother" Puck said and Rachel stopped crying for a bit. Not entirely sure what he meant "then again even if you hadn't I still wouldn't date you you're a mess"

Rachel frowned, wondering where the hell all this was coming from.

"God, and I thought Quinn was fucked up"

"Thanks, Noah" Rachel mumbled, getting out of the car and walking around to the drivers side "If you weren't like an older brother to me I would date you"

Puck smiled cockily "of course you would"

"How long should I wait?"

"A while Rachel. But I'll call you when I find out anything alright?"

"Thanks, Noah"

"Get some sleep, Rachel"

Rachel nodded, turning and heading inside.

"Hey, kid" Ellie called from the front room but Rachel ignored her, rushing upstairs and sat down in front of the typewriter. She positioned her shaky hands over the typewriter

* * *

**_February 28th 2013_**

**_Dear friend, _**

**_ I screwed up. Not just a little bit either I think I might have completely destroyed my friendship with Quinn. I didn't mean to do it, I swear but if I had kissed Jakob when I would have been lying to everyone. Quinn, Jacob, myself. _**

**_I don't know what to do. Noah told me to just stay away but for how long?_**

**_I think Quinn might hate me. The way she looked at me, like I was the worst person in the world, that hurt more than anything. _**

**_I thought that this might help, writing down what happened but its just making everything seem that more real. _**

**_There's something really wrong with me. And I don't know what it is._**

* * *

"Rachel, you alright?" Ellie asked, peeking her head into Rachel's room.

Rachel stood up without saying a word and walked over to Ellie, tightly wrapping her arm around her waist and shoved her head into her sisters neck. Before she could stop herself the tears began streaming down her face.

"Rachel, what happened?"

"I screwed up, Ellie. They all hate me"

"Sh, it's ok sweetie" Ellie cooed, wrapping one arm around Rachel's body and placing her other hand on the back her head, massaging the girls scalp.

"What's wrong with me? Why can't I do anything right? Sometimes I just think this place would be better without me"

Ellie pulled back, putting her hands on Rachel's cheeks and making her younger sister look at her "Don't you _ever_ say something like that again, understand?" Ellie said seriously, looking into Rachel's eyes "I don't know what I would do without you. You're pretty much all I have"

Rachel just hid her face back in her sisters neck. This seemed to be all they do, crying in each others arms.


	8. Chapter 8

**This one is short but I might put the next chapter up in a couple of hours :) also, tumblr; .com. **

* * *

Everything was back to how it was before Quinn. Before Noah.

She was sitting up the back of the lunch hall reading her book alone as everyone else sat at the normal table.

Quinn seemed a little out of it. Spending all of lunch with her headphone in and ignoring the rest of the table. It was killing her knowing that Quinn was just there and Rachel could just go hug her.

"Hey, nerds. Back to being on your own huh?" A joke sneered, hitting Rachel's book out of her hand but Rachel didn't move to get the book. She was over it "hey, nerd! Don't ignore me"

The boy clicked his fingers in Rachel's face. Once, Rachel could feel her breath getting heavier. Twice, the tunnel vision was starting. Third time and Rachel lost it, springing from her seat and using the jocks letterman jacket to pin him against the wall. She swung her hand back but couldn't throw it towards the boy because someone was holding it.

"Rachel, it's Ellie. You gotta let him go" Ellie mumbled into Rachel's ear and the fuzzy black edges disappeared. Rachel dropped her grip on the boy and stumbled backwards slightly, her breath ragged because everyone was staring at her, judging her. It was like that time that boy stole her pen all over again.

"Come on. We're getting outta her" Ellie grabbed onto Rachel's wrist and grabbed the girls things before dragging her out of the lunch hall and out to her car.

"Where are we going?"

"Home. We'll say you got sick"

Rachel just nodded wrapping her arms around herself and leaning forward in her seat "please don't tell dad, Ellie"

"I won't" Ellie agreed "You're going home to bed, we can watch movies and whatever"

* * *

**_March 15th 2013_**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ No one has called me since that night at Quinn's. I've seen everyone at school but they just ignore me. I've almost blacked out twice already and it's horrible. It's like one of those dream where something is stalking you and you know it's only a matter of time until it catches you except this isn't a dream. I can't wake up from this. _**

**_Even when I'm asleep there are nightmares and night terrors. Everything is just spinning out of control and I don't know how to stop it. _**

**_Do you ever have that feel where you feel like everything and everyone would just be better without you? I haven't had that feeling in years but now it's came back in full force. If I wasn't here Jake wouldn't have gotten hurt. If I wasn't here we would never have moved to Lima and Ellie would never have met Pete. If i wasn't here my daddy would still be alive. _**

**_And then, as all these thoughts rush through my mind, the promise I made to Quinn keeps popping up. That I would never think about this kind of stuff but does that promise still stand? With Quinn hating me and all?_**

**_I'm off, bye. _**

She had gone shopping with her dad to try and keep her mind of off everything but that didn't help when a very stoned Sam was in the parking lot. Rachel tried to walk past he because she figured Sam wouldn't want to see her either but the boy called her over.

"Hey, freshman"

"You wanna talk to me?"

Sam nodded "You didn't do anything to me"

Rachel looked down at her feet, her bottom lip trembling "What's the matter with me?"

Sam shrugged "If you ask the doctorman he'll probably tell you that you're going a little crazy up here and you need all the meds under the sun to make you normal but really, what is normal?"

"I'm asking you. What do you think is wrong with me?"

"I think you're in love with someone you know you can't have and you don't know how to deal with it" Sam said with a lazy shrug as he stuffed more chips into his mouth "you also might be a little senile"

"Isn't that what old people get?"

"Yes but it basically means you're losing mental function. You're brain is going to shit"

"Thanks Sam. Way to make me feel better"

"I'm not here to make you feel better. That's what the doctors are for. I'm here to lay it out bare for you. There is something wrong with you, there has to be to do what you did, but on the bright side you didn't kill anyone"

"Always a bright side" Rachel mumbled sarcastically.

"You know what helps?" Rachel shook her head and Sam held out his palm that had, Rachel assumed, pot in it "Smoke a little pot. It takes all the pain away"

"How much?"

"Free. Since you're my favorite freshman" Sam said, handing Rachel the drugs, cigarettes and cigarette skins "YouTube it. They'll show you how to roll the perfect joint"

"Thanks"

"Don't mention it, freshmeat"

Rachel smiled, heading back to her car to wait for her dad.

* * *

**_March 30th 2013  
_**

**_dear friend,_**

**_ I met Sam last week and he agreed there is something wrong with me but he also gave me something to help and he is right it does take away the pain. At least for a few hours. I feel like I'm floating. Like nothing in this world can touch me and then I come crashing down into the pain again. _**

**_I've been spending most of my lunches away from school because its just to painful to look at Quinn now. Do you think she'll every forgive me? I don't but I'm still hoping that she will. _**

**_Anyway I saw Sam again yesterday and he said that Kitty's dad had caught her and Marley 'together' in the basement and slapped her. They're the religious kind of people. And then Kitty had left with Marley, they think she got kicked out but all he knew was that Kitty was now living with Marley. _**

**_It was weird. After seen all the poison relationships like my sisters, Quinn's, mine. It's nice to know that there are good relationships out there. The kind of relationship where someone is willing to risk everything, including their parents, to be with that person they love. _**

**_Bye. _**


	9. Chapter 9

She wasn't feeling particularly fine that day. He blood was already boiling before she'd even got to school but once she hears the words 'dyke' and 'Lesbo' being thrown around in the lunch hall she headed in and noticed a group of cheerleaders in a circle. Three jocks in the middle but she couldn't see who was in the middle of them. She pushed her way through the crowed to see Marley standing there in between the three boys. Kitty, Quinn and Brittany being held back by other jocks.

"Hey, dyke. What's the matter, kitty got your tongue?" One of the jocks snapped, laughing when Kitty struggles against the jocks arms to get to Marley "Come on, say something" the boy pushed Marley into the other jocks arms and the jock pushed the girl to the floor.

"Hey!" Rachel growled and the next thing she remembered she was standing over one of the jocks, everyone was staring at her in disbelieve. Her knuckles were already swollen and bruised, she wasn't sure if it was her blood or the jocks blood on her hands.

Rachel blinked, drawing in a deep breath and holding out her hand to help Marley to her feet before looking at the jock on the floor "You do anything like that again and I'll blind you, understand?" Rachel snapped and then there was a hand on her shoulder, pulling her out of the crowed.

"My office now" the principal said before yelled "entertainments over, get back to your lunch"

Rachel was still feeling a little fuzzy as she stumbled along the hallway to the principals office.

She didn't take in much of what he said just that they didn't tolerate fighting but, because it was Rachel's first offense, the only punishment would be detention for a week but if it happened again there would be a definite suspension.

Rachel just nodded the full way through the conversation, sighing when he finally told her she could leave.

Rachel ran her hands over her face as she left the school, stopping in her tracks when she saw Quinn leaning against her car.

Once Quinn noticed her she smiled, pushing herself off the hood of the car and over to Rachel "So I hear you're some sort of ninja or something?"

Rachel just nodded, not able to speak because Quinn was talking to her again.

"I was really mad at you Rachel. Believe it or not Jake and I have as close of a friendship as Puck and I and what you did, it made it weird for a while"

Rachel bit down on her trembling bottom lip, trying to will herself not to cry.

"But I'm thankful you stayed away from as long as you did. It made it easier for our friendship to heel. Jake really liked you, you know"

"He did?"

Quinn chuckled "You're really dumb sometimes, Labrat" Rachel's eyes lit up at the name and Quinn stepped forward, lightly taking a hold of Rachel's ballooned hand "You have no idea how much I've missed you" Quinn whispered, ghosting her thumb over Rachel's knuckles.

"Do that mean we're friends again?" Rachel asked, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Always" Quinn smiled, using the pad of her thumb to wipe away the tear on Rachel's cheek.

"And Noah?"

"And Noah"

"Everyone else?"

"Everyone else" Quinn agreed, her face turning serious "on the topic of everyone else give me the stuff Sam has been giving you"

"How did you know.."

"He told me last night. I was going to have him come over tonight and take it from you but this is just cutting out the middle men. What were you thinking? Taking it in the first place"

"It stopped me from thinking"

Quinn nodded, like she understood "I wanna take you somewhere that helps me calm down and clear my head"

"What about school?"

"Like you could write with that hand. Come on"

Rachel nodded, allowing Quinn to lace their hands together and lead her along the path and through a slightly wooded area until they came to a stop at the railway line.

"Trains?"

"Yea. Just watching them pass by helps me relax. It's weird, I know" Quinn shrugged bashfully as she sat down on the bench.

Rachel just looked down at their still joined hands. Surely Quinn should had let go by now?

"You still love me?" Quinn asked and the question caught Rachel off guard.

"I don't think I'll ever stop" Rachel said, smiling a tight lipped smile and a shrug that was meant to indicate she was sorry.

"I didn't think I could ever feel like this about someone. I shouldn't let myself"

"Why?"

"Because if you get to involved you get hurt"

"I'd never hurt you. I would rather die than hurt you"

Quinn smiled but it dropped off of her face when she saw someone over Rachel's shoulder "I thought it was bullshit when Jordan texted me saying that you were talking to this freak again but clearly he was right"

"Brent"

"Shut the fuck up Quinn. I though I said you were never to see her again"

"Yea well that was before I found out you were cheating!"

Rachel had expecting Brent to look shocked or something but he just shrugged "You were in a depressed mood because this freak screwed everything up"

"Stop called her a freak. She isn't a fucking freak she's..." Quinn was cut off by Brent's hand. Rachel wasn't entirely sure if he slapped or punched her but that didn't matter.

The brunette grabbed the boys collar and threw her to the floor, his chest and head dangling over the edge of the platform, over the railway lines "you feel big picking on high school students, huh?" Rachel snapped, swinging her already injured hand up and down onto the boys cheek.

"Rachel stop. There's a train coming" Quinn stressed and Rachel could hear the train but her hand just wouldn't move from around Brent's neck "Rachel if you don't stop both of you are going to die"

She was close to blacking out, she could feel it. All she could hear was the trains horn and Quinn's voice.

"Rachel! Stop now!" Quinn yelled and Rachel snapped out of it, pulling Brent's collar, yanking him back on to the platform and about five seconds later the train sped past.

Rachel sat on the concrete, her head in her hands and her fingers tangled around her hair

"Fucking crazy freak!" Brent mumbled somewhere off to her left and then he left.

"Rachel" Quinn whispered softly, taking Rachel's hands and pulling them away from Rachel's head before placing one finger under Rachel's chin and pressing her lips flush against Rachel's.

The dark fuzziness was gone and was now replaced with the fuzziness she felt the first time Quinn kissed her. How could you go from almost killed a man to being the happiest person on the planet?

Quinn huffed out a breath, resting her head against Rachel's and placing her hands either side of Rachel's head.

"Never do something like that again. You scared me half to death"

"Because Brent could have died?"

"No because _you_ could have, Rachel. Don't you get it? Brent means nothing to me, I thought he did but then you had to show up with you sweet little comments and adorable smile and I realized he didn't really mean anything to me. Not a much as you do"

"I need to tell you something. A lot of things actually"

"Ok, lets go to my house. My parents are at work"

Rachel nodded and the girls headed back to the school in silence "I'll drive us back and drive you to school tomorrow. You can get your car then"

Rachel didn't argue, she just got into Quinn's car and began thinking how she was going to tell Quinn she was crazy. How she was going to tell Quinn about every last detail of her life an how she ended up this fucked up kid.

"You're worrying me, why're you so quiet?"

"I'm trying to figure out how to tell you this"

Quinn pulled up into her drive way and turned to Rachel "Just tell me"

"Can we go inside"

"Of course we can" Quinn smiled, getting out of the car and leaving them into the house.

Rachel followed Quinn up to the room, pacing on the floor and tangled her hands together.

"Hey, calm down" Quinn said softly, putting her hands on Rachel's cheeks and making the girl look at her.

"I don't know where to start"

"Just start from the beginning, Rachel"

Rachel nodded, putting her hands on Quinn's waist and balling the fabric up in her fist "Ok. When I was six my daddy took me to the toy store for my birthday and I wanted this huge bear but they didn't have any in the store. I got really mad at my dad even though I knew it wasn't his fault but I still had a tantrum and I just kept yelling in the car. Yelling until I got a rise outta him and then- then, uh..." She could feel her breath begin to become more shallow but she tried to hold it together.

"Breathe Rachel. You're ok, take your time"

"The car just came out of nowhere. He would have saw it if he wasn't to busy yelled at me. They tried to save his life but all those defibrillators done was make her jump, that was it. My daddy died because I didn't get a dumb fucking bear. " Rachel ranted, squeezing her eyes closed.

"Don't. Rachel, open your eyes and look at me" Rachel forced herself to open her eyes and look at Quinn. The blonde smiled "You're ok. You don't have to tell me anything else"

"No, I have to tell you now or I will never tell you" Rachel stressed, walking past Quinn and standing at the foot of her bed.

"Just take your time. We have all night"

"You know about my mom. About how she killed herself" Quinn just nodded, waiting for Rachel to continue "Well that wasn't a one time thing. She tried to kill herself at least five times, three of those times I was the one who found her. On Christmas Day I found her passed out on her bathroom floor. Drug overdose. When I was nine I found her in the bath, arms dangling over the edge and blood dripping from her fingers. Slit her wrist. And then was I was ten she tried to hang herself. All of those memories just keep flooding back at random times and I can't stop them! My mom was sick and no one helped her. Things like that are in your genes, Quinn. I already feel like I'm losing my mind, what will it be like when I'm older!"

"Have you been to see anyone?"

"Yea. They just gave me every pill they could get their hands on" Rachel mumbled, sitting down on Quinn's bed and tangling her hands in her hair "I can leave if you want me to" she said after a couple of seconds and stood up to leave but Quinn grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"Don't you dare" Quinn said, holding onto Rachel's arm as if to stop her from leaving "You aren't the only one who's been through some stuff Rachel. And just because you have a past doesn't change my feelings towards you"

"I blackout sometimes. Just like today with that jock. I have flashbacks, nightmares, night terrors"

"I can't trust people. I have like this emotional wall up and I can't fall in love with anyone. Well that is until now"

Rachel smiled, resting her head against Quinn's shoulder. She thought that maybe Quinn would tell her what had happened to her but two minutes she realized she wasn't going to "How did you SAT's go?"

"Fifteen-ninty. That gives me a good chance of getting into Yale"

"I can see it now. Quinn Fabray. Kick as lawyer"

"Alright, don't get ahead of yourself" Quinn smiled, placing her hand on Rachel's cheek and rubbing her thumb along her cheek bone "Did you sleep at all last night?"

"No. I've been feeling funny for days. Like I could lose me temper at any moment and I did. I'm just glad that it was on someone who deserved it and not my sister or dad"

"How about we get some sleep?" Quinn asked, pulling Rachel's jacket off of her shoulders

"When will your parents be home?"

"Not 'til dinner time"

Rachel nodded, taking off her jacket and placing it on the back of a chair.

"Come on" Quinn smiled. Pulling back the covers back and allowing Rachel to climb into her bed.

Rachel sighed as she settling into the bed, wrapping her hands around the covers and pulling them up to her chin.

Quinn got into the bed beside her and Rachel assumed she was going to lay with her back to her but she was pleasantly surprised when quinn wrapped on arm around her waist, taking a hold of Rachel's hands and pulled the brunette flush against her.

"I love you" Quinn whispered into Rachel's hair, pressing her lips against the back of Rachel's head.


	10. Chapter 10

Once dinner was over Rachel and Quinn headed back upstairs, putting on a DVD and cuddling up on the bed. Rachel could tell all through the movie that there was something up with Quinn. She was tense and thinking way to loud.

Just as the credits began to roll on the screen Quinn leant her head against Rachel's hair "I was raped"

Rachel froze, trying to figure out if she'd hear Quinn correctly "what?"

"Don't make me say it again"

Rachel opened and closed her mouth before looking up at Quinn "When? By who?"

"Uh.." Quinn breathed, about to reach up to wipe away the tear that had rolled down her cheek but Rachel bet her to it, using her knuckle to brush it off of her cheek "When I was eleven. It went on for about nine months and by my dads friend"

Rachel whimpered slightly, not used to seeing any kind of venerability from Quinn.

"As crazy and screwed up as this sounds he made me feel special. He knew that me parents were never around. He knew I didn't have anyone and he used it against me. To stop me from telling and to make me think that I was ok" Quinn ranted "That's why I dated total tools. Because I know I'll never feel anything for them"

"Why would you let them him you?"

Quinn shrugged "It's what I'm used to isn't it. It's how I assumed relationships were supposed to be"

"No. Relationships are supposed to be amazing. Difficult but amazing. And that person you're dating is supposed to make you feel like you're the most amazing, most beautiful person they have in their life. Or at least that how I feel about us. You're the most beautiful person I've seen. Everything about you is amazing, I don't think I would be living without you. I'd be alive but not living"

"You aren't creeped out?"

Rachel turned onto her stomach, looking up at Quinn "I'm gonna say to you what a wise person said to me. Just because you have a past doesn't change my feelings towards you"

Quinn laughed slightly, sliding down the bed so that she was laying nose to nose with Rachel.

Rachel's eyes squinted slightly, not used to having someone so close for more than a couple of seconds.

Quinn laughed again, leaning forward and pressed her lips against Rachel's.

For the first time Rachel didn't think twice about kissing back, placing her hands on Quinn's cheeks.

"I love you" Quinn whispered, pushing lightly on Rachel's shoulders until Rachel was flat on her back with Quinn hovering over her.

"I love you too" Rachel breathed, closing her eyes when Quinn began kissing down her neck and shoulder.

Rachel knew where this was going. She'd seen enough movies to know and it wasn't that she didn't wanna do it, she was more than ready to do it with Quinn, but this just felt wrong. Like Quinn was mainly doing this to help herself feel better about what she'd just told Rachel.

The brunette gasped a little louder than she'd intended when Quinn's hand slipped under her shirt and scratched her nails down her abs.

"Quinn"

"Hum?" Quinn hummed, biting lightly on Rachel's neck.

"No, Quinn. Stop"

Quinn stopped, pulling back to look at Rachel "You're not ready?"

"No, I am, really. I just think that you're doing this to make yourself feel better and, I might be being selfish, but this is my first time and I want it to be special"

"You're so not being selfish" Quinn smiled, lightly grazing her nose of Rachel's before kissing the tip of her nose "I'm sorry. I guess I'm just used to people just wanting sex from me"

Rachel smiled, shrugged bashfully "I actually just, kinda, want a cuddle"

"Well you can have a cuddle"

Rachel smiled, shuffling into Quinn's arms and rested her head against the blondes shoulder "Thank you"

"You might wanna invest in a scarf too"

"Why? It's just starting to get warm out"

"Nothing to do with the weather. I might have bitten you a little to hard. It's probably gonna bruise"

"Great. Another reason for my sister to grill me tomorrow"

"It'll be fine" Quinn whispered against Rachel's hair.

* * *

"Rachel, you little shit!" Ellie snapped striding down the hallway to her younger sisters locker.

Rachel looked from Quinn to her sister "Ellie, always the charmer"

"You are in so much trouble!"

"You told dad!"

"No, in trouble with me"

"Oh" Rachel said because that's all she could think of, she wasn't used to her sister being so protective.

"Oh?"

"Oh" Rachel mumbled, raising her eyebrows as a of apology.

Ellie laughed, shaking her head at her sister "next time call sooner ok? I was worried sick"

"I will" Rachel agreed.

Ellie nodded walking past her sister and heading down the hallway, turning to look at Quinn as she walked slowly backwards "Try and keep your mouth to yourself or do it in a place a little like noticeable" Ellie pointed at Rachel's neck and then pointed at Quinn.

"Sure thing" Quinn said and Ellie turned, heading towards her class.

"She seemed fine with us"

"She's crazy" Rachel mumbled, taking out her history and physics book before closing her locker.

"You're really cute when you're mad" Quinn grinned, leaning against the locker next to Rachel.

Rachel chuckled, leaning back against her locker and looking at Quinn "When will your lettier be in from Yale?"

"Any day now. I'm freaking out"

"Well I have no doubt that they'll accept you. They'd be crazy not to"

"I applied to two other schools. NYU and Ohio State"

"My sister applied for NYU"

Quinn opened her mouth to say something just as the bell rung "Math. But I'll see you at lunch"

Rachel smiled, her cheeks turning a tint of red when Quinn pecked her on the lips and lefts. She knew everyone was staring at her, probably wondering how the hell a loser like her could get a girl like Quinn and she agreed, she had no idea how it happened either.

She pulled herself together, quickly heading to her history class.

* * *

The smile on Pucks face was amazing when he saw Rachel and Quinn cuddled up on the oppbleachers at lunch. The rest of the group was smiled to, there was also a few playful remarks for Santana and even Kitty, but Pucks smile was the biggest.

"So I feel like I should date Sam just to feel apart of this group now"

"You would totally like to bang Sam anyway" Santana said, grinning at Puck who shrugged

"Dudes got some rock hard abs"

"He really has though" Marley agreed gaining some raised eyebrows from Kitty "Obviously not as nice as yours though"

"Damn straight"

"I think Britt has the best abs though" Santana said, grinning at her girlfriend.

"How can we judge best abs when we've never seen Rachel's"

"Rachel has amazing abs" Quinn mumbled against Rachel's hair making everyone turn and look at them

"How would you know?"

"See! I told you they had sex. You don't just end up with a love bite for nothing"

"We didn't have sex" Rachel said, shaking her head.

"Then how does Quinn know you have good abs?"

"She felt'em" Rachel mumbled with a shrug.

"So you do have good abs?"

"I guess they're ok"

Quinn smiled, tightening her grip around Rachel's waist and hiding her face in her neck "Sorry"

Rachel shrugged, leaning back against Quinn's front "It's fine"

"What're you doing tonight?"

"I have so much homework to catch up on. I didn't do much of it the past couple of weeks. But you can stop by if you wanna"

"I think I might" Quinn said "I wanna met you dad and actually talk to your sister"

"You're sure?" Rachel asked, turning to look up at Quinn.

"Of course. I wanna get to know your family"

"You think that now but once you met them you'll run a mile"

"Hum, I doubt that"

"We'll see" Rachel put her hand on Quinn's cheek and was about to kiss her when someone called her name.

"Rachel" Rachel turned to see her sister standing at the bottom of the bleachers, pointing in front of her "Here"

"Be right back" Rachel mumbled, getting to her feet and hopping down the bleachers "What's up?"

"Dads going out of town for work tonight and I'm going shopping after school with Natalie so you'll have to drive yourself home"

"Ok" Rachel agreed going to take the keys from Ellie but her sister snatched them back.

"So what happened with you and Quinn last night"

"Nothing" Rachel said, trying to grab the keys only to have them pulled back.

"Nothing my ass. How did you get the love bite"

"Ellie, it's none of your business"

"See, I don't even know what to say here. If it was a boy you were dating I'd say stay safe but, you know"

"Ellie! God, give me the keys"

Ellie laughed, handing the keys to Rachel "Get your homework done tonight"

"I will" Rachel nodded, heading back up the bleachers.

"What's the matter?" Quinn asked as Rachel took a seat back down in between her legs.

"My dads out of town for business and my sisters going shopping so I've to drive myself home"

"So I'll have to wait a while to met your dad"

"Looks like it"

* * *

She must have fallen asleep because the last thing she remembered was doing homework and now someone was pulling her glasses off.

She groaned slightly, lifting her head to see Quinn smiling at her, the blondes lips moved but Rachel could hear anything other than Fleetwood Mac. At first she thought she was going crazy but them remembered she had her headphones in.

"Sorry?"

"I said you have writing about the Great Gats on your cheek. I'm guessing it should be the Great Gatsby?"

"Uh" Rachel mumbled, her voice still a little raspy from sleep "Yea. It's going good"

"So good you fell asleep"

"I got more than half of it done" Rachel used her sleeve in an attempted to wipe off the pen "Stop smiling like that. It's creepy"

"I have something to smile for"

"Which is?"

Quinn grinned bigger if that was possible, holding up a piece of paper.

Rachel wiped the sleep from her eyes and reading over the letter. All she had to see was accepted before she knew what it was "You got into Yale!"

Quinn nodded, laughing when Rachel hopped off the bed and tackled her to the floor in a hug.

"I'm so proud of you!"

"Thank you"

"When do you leave?" Rachel asked pulling back to look at Quinn.

Quinn sighed, her head falling back against the floor and her hands coming to rest on Rachel's waist "I have to go to the summer program so I leave a week into summer"

"Oh" Rachel frowned slightly but smiled again seconds later "Well that's good right? You get settled in before your actually classes start"

"Yea" Quinn mumbled, pushing herself up on to her elbows "I didn't think you would be happy about me leaving so early"

"I mean I'm not ecstatic but this is your dream school and I'm happy they accepted you"

"I'll be back for a couple of weeks at the end of summer"

"I don't wanna think about you leaving right now. I have ice cream downstairs. Wanna celebrate?"

"It wouldn't be celebrating without sprinkles and raspberry sauce"

"Well it's a good job I have both" Rachel smiled hopping to her feet and pulling Quinn up.

"What're you two doing?" Ellie called as Quinn and Rachel walked through the front room and into the kitchen.

"Celebrating" Rachel grinned holding up the tub of ice cream.

"With ice cream? How old are you, six?"

"You want some?"

"Well, of course but that still doesn't take away the fact six year olds celebrate with ice cream"

Rachel chuckled, serving the three ice creams before taking a seat on the sofa in between Ellie and Quinn "What're you watching?"

"Lilo and Stitch" Ellie mumbled and Rachel just nodded, she knew by the look on Ellie's face that she was to into the movie to talk.

Rachel smiled, though a little confused, when Quinn leant her head against her shoulder. She was just so used to being the one who was leaning and laying against Quinn that she didn't really expect Quinn to ever lean on her. It was quite stupid, really.

"Did you do your homework?" Ellie asked, not taking her eyes away from the TV.

"Yea"Rachel lied

"Really?" Her older sister turned to look at her and she knew she couldn't lie. It was different lying when someone wasn't looking at you but as soon as they did, Rachel was hopeless.

"No"

"Figures because you were asleep when I came up"

Quinn laughed, looking up at Rachel "You're a terrible liar"

"I've always been a horrible liar"

"She has. When she was about six she drew all over the walls in the hallway and then blamed me. I'd been at our grandparents house for a week"

"And you couldn't have thought of a better excuse"

"I was six! The only other excuse I could this of was that my teddy bear did"

"Or maybe you shouldn't have done it in the first place?"

"That was a masterpiece. Better than that wallpaper anyway"


	11. Chapter 11

As soon as the movie was finished and they'd finished their ice cream Rachel and Quinn headed back up to Rachel's room.

"You'd better finish your homework" Quinn said, smiling as she sat on Rachel's bed.

"I'm almost finished" Rachel mumbled as she grabbed her glasses and laid back down on the bed over her books.

"Take your time" Quinn smiled, getting off the bed and looking along Rachel's book collection.

An hour and a half later Rachel huffed, closing her book and letting her head fall onto her bed "Finished"

Quinn smiled, climbing down the bed and laying on Rachel's back "You look cute with glasses on"

Rachel smiled, hiding her face in her arm "When do you have to be home?"

"My mom wanted me home for nine because my grandparents are coming to stay from Texas" Quinn said, resting her chin on Rachel's shoulder "I'm going shopping for college stuff on Saturday. Do you wanna come?"

"I uh, I can't. I'm having dinner with my dad" Rachel mumbled and she was exactly lying. She was having dinner with her dad but not until nine. Truth was she didn't wanna go because watching Quinn shop for things would make it all to real that, in about two months, Quinn would be in New Heaven. At a new school with new people and as much as she didn't wanna admit it, that scared her.

"Oh, ok. I'll ask Santana, Brittany and Marley"

Rachel nodded, twisting her neck to rest her forehead against Quinn's cheek "What'd your mom say about you getting into Yale?"

"She cried. She said it was 'happy crying' but I know she's upset I'm leaving"

"I'm sure she'll come round"

"Yea" Quinn mumbled, rolling off Rachel and onto her feet "I should get going"

Rachel nodded, getting off the bed "I'll walk you down"

Both girls headed downstairs, Quinn turning to look at Rachel as she stepped out of the door "I'll see you tomorrow" Rachel nodded, leaning her shoulder and head against the door frame "You sure you're ok?" Quinn asked, resting her hands against Rachel's waist and turning the brunette to press her back against the door frame.

"I'm ok" Rachel assured, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck.

"You'd talk to me if you weren't, right?"

"I think I would" Rachel said because she probably wouldn't talk to Quinn, not yet, she didn't wanna ruin it for the blonde.

"Rachel.."

"It's fine, Quinn" Rachel mumbled, cupping the back of Quinn's neck and pulling the blonde down into a kiss.

"I, uh, tomorrow. I'll see you then"

Rachel nodded, "Bye"

Quinn smiled, pressing her lips against Rachel cheek before turning and heading down to her car.

Rachel grinned to herself, heading back into the house "You're both cute" Ellie called as Rachel headed upstairs.

"Shut up"

* * *

she'd spent the pervious day with the group at the diner, everyone celebrating their acceptance into college and Rachel will admit she felt left out but she was happy for them.

She was currently curled up on the sofa, watching TV and eating chocolate chip ice cream

"You'll never guess who I saw in town today?" Ellie mumbled, walking into the front room and throwing down her bags.

"Shakira?" Murmured, not really interested in what her sister was saying.

"No, not Shakira. Your girlfriend"

Rachel nodded for a second but then her eyes widened, realizing she'd told Quinn it was a family dinner "What did you say to her?"

"She asked where you were and I said at home eating chocolate and watching movies"

"And what did she say?"

"Asked about a family dinner that I apparently wasn't apart of"

"Oh shit" Rachel murmured pressing her fists against her eyes.

"Why'd you lie to her?"

"None of your business!"

"You don't want her to leave?"

"What do you think?" Rachel snapped just as there was a knock on the door.

"Good luck" Ellie said, grabbing her bags and running upstairs.

Rachel sighed, walking to the door and opening it to Quinn who was leaning against the frame "How was dinner?"

"Quinn, I..."

"Why'd you lie to me Rachel?" Quinn asked but she wasn't angry, she sounded hurt which, in Rachel's books, was so much worse.

"I don't know"

"No" Quinn snapped, heading into the house and turning back to Rachel "No, Labrat, you do know. Now talk to me"

"I don't wanna"

"Why?"

"Because you're all excited and I don't wanna ruin it"

"You wouldn't. What's the matter?"

"You were going _college_ _shopping_, Quinn. A college that's in a different state and me going shopping with you would make it all that much more real and I'm not ready to accept that. Not yet"

"Will you ever accept it?"

"I think I might because I saw how happy you were when you showed me that letter and I'm happy to know you're going to the school of your dreams and that's half way to accepting it"

"I wish I was younger"

"But you're not. And you're going to one of the best, and gayest, schools in the country"

"Thank you for trying to be ok with it"

Rachel just shrugged, holding out a spoon full of ice cream "Truce?"

Quinn smiled as she fake glared at Rachel, taking the ice cream off the spoon "When are your finals?"

"Two weeks. I think I got'em, I was looking over the revision stuff this morning and I understood almost all of it"

Quinn smiled and nodded as Ellie hopped downstairs, slapping Rachel on the side of the head.

"El! The hell was that for?"

"Lying. Dads heading home now and asked if we could start dinner"

Rachel scoffed, turning back to Quinn "We actually are having dinner tonight, wanna stay?"

"Your dad will be alright with that?"

"He wants to meet you"

"Ok, I'll stay"

"Rachel! I'm not doing these potatoes on my own!"

"You can sit if you wanna. You don't have to help"

"No, I want to"

Rachel nodded, heading into the kitchen "Potatoes. Peel'em"

"Crazy bitch" Rachel murmured, handing one of the potato peelers to Quinn.

Rachel and Quinn began peeling the potatoes as Quinn tended to the chicken

"So you looking forward to going to college, Quinn?" Ellie asked, leaning back against the counter and looking at Quinn.

"Yea. It'll be different, you know? How about you, what college are you going to?"

"NYU and yea, I'm looking forward to it"

Rachel smiled because if she sister and Quinn were getting along then her dad will definitely like her.

"Rach"

"Sorry, what?" Rachel mumbled, looking up at her sister.

"Your finals. Are you studying for them?"

Rachel huffed "Yes, El. I'm studying for'em"

"Are you two arguing again" Leroy said as she walked into the kitchen "Who's your friend.." The man stopped looking at Ellie who pointed at Rachel "Rachel?"

"This is Quinn, dad. She's, uh, she's my girlfriend"

"Ah, you're the famously Quinn I've heard so much about. Nice to be able to put a face to the name"

"Nice to meet you, sir"

"You're all I've heard about these past few months. Quinn this Quinn that"

"_Dad!_" Rachel protested but Ellie covered her mouth.

"Please continue dad"

"After her first day at school all I heard was about this pretty blonde girl at lunch"

Rachel squeaked behind her sisters hand, biting down on the older girls finger "Ouch. Dad she bit me"

"You shouldn't have had your hand over her mouth" the man said, taking off his jacket and heading back into the front room.

Rachel grinned, sticking her tongue out at her sister who rolled her eyes "Mature" Ellie mumbled, disappearing into the front room.

"So.." Quinn said, grinning as she walked over to Rachel.

"Don't" Rachel warned halfheartedly, smiling lopsidedly at Quinn.

"I just wanna know who this 'pretty blonde' was you met on the first day of school?"

"I didn't actually meet her on the first day of school, I only saw her in school. I met her for the first time at this football game. Wasn't all that special to be honest"

Quinn grinned, wrapping her arms around Rachel's waist and rested her head against Rachel's "You're lucky your cute, love"

Rachel smiled, blushing lightly. She still wasn't used to the compliments.

Quinn ran her knuckles lightly over Rachel's cheek bone before ducking her head and pecking the brunette on the lips.

Rachel closed her eyes, her hands wrapping around the collar of Quinn's shirt "We, uh, we should probably.."

"Yea" Quinn smiled, allowing Rachel to lead her into the front room.


	12. Chapter 12

Rachel was sitting in the car outside Quinn's house, she'd driven Quinn home and the blonde had insisted that she come in and see all the stuff she bought and Rachel did. She wish she hadn't though because all she could think about was how, in a couple of months, everyone she knew would be gone. Quinn. Noah. Marley. Even her sister.

She never liked change and this was a pretty big one to deal with.

She blinked, frowning as she looked around. She wasn't outside Quinn's anymore. She was outside Noah's and she couldn't remember starting the car never mind driving here. It was a miracle she wasn't killed.

She sniffed, wiping away the tears that had clouded her eyes and got out of the car.

Puck had answered the door, not thinking twice about wrapping his arms around Rachel when she slammed into his chest, sobbing lightly.

"Rachel? What the matter?"

"I just- I can't, Noah. I'm so scared"

Puck frowned, still confused but rested his hand on the back of Rachel's head "Sh. You're ok. It's fine" the boy murmured, leading Rachel along the hallway to his bed room and sitting her on his bed before kneeling down in front of her "Why're you crying? Are you hurt?"

"No. I-I..." Rachel tried but her breath only started to speed up as she tried to catch her breath despite all her panic and sobbing.

Puck knew a panic when he saw one, Marley had then often, so he put his hand on the back of Rachel's neck and rested his forehead against the girls "Rachel look at me"

The brunette did as she was told, looking up into the older boys eyes.

"It's ok. Just breath. In and out, just concentrate on that" the boy said, nodded as the girl started breathing properly.

"I'm sorry" Rachel breathed, panting slightly.

"Never apologize. What happened?"

"Everything. I just- I can't deal with it all"

"School?"

"No. That's the only thing I can actually deal with"

Puck seemed to realize what she was talking about and nodded slowly "Graduation"

"I've never been without my sister. I don't know HOW to be without my sister!" Rachel ran he hands over her face "And then there's Quinn. She'd everything to me, I know it stupid to let someone mean that much to you but I couldn't help it. And you're going to LA and Marley will be in Vancouver"

Puck nodded because what could he say to make it better? That they'd be back during holidays, which was true, but wasn't much comfort.

"You're stronger than you think you are, Rachel. And yea we're all leaving but that doesn't mean you can't do this on your own"

Rachel just shook her head lightly, closing her eyes.

"When I met you, when we all met you, you were this nervous, quiet kid but your different now. Look how far you've come since last year, you're not that girl anymore" Puck assured, half smiling at Rachel "And I love you, we all do, though not in the gay way Quinn does"

Rachel chuckled lightly, wrapping her arms around Puck's neck. The boy smiled, lifting Rachel off the bed and dancing around the room to the song on his laptop "We are never ever getting back together"

Rachel pulled back, just realizing what song was playing "Are you listening to Taylor Swift?"

"I am. And I'm not even sorry"

Rachel smiled "Thank you"

"Anytime you need Rachel"

"I really gotta get home"

"You're ok to drive?"

"Yea"

Puck nodded "text me when you're home"

"I will" Rachel assured, heading out to her car. She remembered the drive home this time, quickly jumping out the car and heading into her house to find her sister.

She found the older girl in the kitchen on her cell but that didn't stop Rachel from walking up to her and wrapping her arms tightly around her waist.

"Let me call you back" Ellie said, hanging up the phone "Are you ok?"

Rachel nodded, tightening her grip around Ellie.

"You sure?"

"I'm fine. I just wanted a hug"

"Well if you're fine get the hell offa me" Ellie said, pushing her sisters head but Rachel didn't loosen her grip around her waist "I'm serious. You've been close to me long enough for me to catch any disease you have"

"It doesn't matter. We're sisters we're supposed to share things"

"Get off!" Ellie pried Rachel's arms from around her waist "Now I have to go call Natalie back" Ellie said, walking half way out the room before turbines back and placing a kiss on her sisters head "Tell anyone about that and you're dead"

"You _do_ love me!" Rachel called after her sister, grinning to herself.

"Probably not"

* * *

**_May 21st 2013._**

**_Dear friend,_**

**_ Graduation is in a little over a month and prom is in a few days. I'm not sure if Quinn if going to the prom, I really think she should, but she hasn't mentioned anything to me. as for graduation, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that just yet. On one hand I'm happy for everyone but on the other hand I'm freaking out. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens. _**

******_I'd better go, Quinn's coming over soon. Bye. _**

* * *

She hopped off of the sofa when there was a knock on the door, smiling as she opened the door but frowned when she saw Quinn down on one knee on her door step, holding out a flower.

"Oh shit, you aren't proposing, are you?"

Quinn's eyes widened as she hopped to her feet "God no! I was going to ask you to go to prom with me"

"Oh"

"So? Will you?"

A sense of realization came over Rachel's face "Oh, yea. Of course"

Quinn chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck as she handed the flower to Rachel "That is so not how I wanted that to go"

"Yea, we just can't do anything right, can we?"

"Well this feels pretty right" Quinn shrugged, placing her hand on Rachel's cheek and kissing the brunette.

"Hum, I stand corrected" Rachel hummed, placing her hand over Quinn's and keeping her eyes closed.

"Green for prom" Quinn said, connecting her mouth with Rachel's again and walked the girl backwards into the house.

"Quinn. Good to see you again"

Quinn pulled back instantly, her eyes wide in shock.

"Yea. My dad and sister are home" Rachel murmured, nodding towards the sofa.

Ellie smiled in amusement, waving once at Quinn "How's it going, Quinn?"

Rachel glared at her sister and Quinn just nodded "Nice to see you both again"

"We have math together. You saw me this morning"

"Ellie!"

"Go on upstairs, girls but I want that door kept open"

"Dad! Jesus!" Rachel snapped, grabbing ahold of Quinn's hand and dragging her upstairs.

"That was so embarrassing!" Quinn chuckled, half amused half serious "You should have warned me"

"You took my by surprise. My brain doesn't function to full capacity when you kiss me"

Quinn smiled, the redness on her cheeks disappearing "Cute" the blonde grinned, wrapping her arms around Rachel "So prom"

"Sorry?" Rachel frowned, remember what Quinn had originally came here for "Oh, prom! Sorry my mind is still a little foggy"

Quinn smiled fondly at the younger girl "My dress is green"

"To match your eyes" Rachel mumbled, more to herself than Quinn "I'll pick you up, ok?"

"Really?"

"Yea. It's your prom, you shouldn't be driving"

"Ok. Pick me up at eight? We have a hotel booked for after"

"Oh" Rachel mumbled, her stomach flipping because, if life was like the movies she'd seen, she knew what happened in a hotel room after prom.

"No, nothing like that. You don't even have to go to the hotel rooms after"

"No. No I want to"

"Nothing you don't want to do , remember?"

"Yea, I remember"

"Good. I should go, I was only supposed to be here for a few minutes"

Rachel nodded, leading Quinn down stairs "Bye sir. Ellie"

"Bye Quinn" Rachel dad called and Ellie just grinned.

"See you in school"

Quinn smiled, pecking Rachel on the corner of her mouth "Bye"

"We'll aren't you both just a pocket full of sunshine"

"Shut up, El!"

* * *

She was nervous, really nervous because this was Quinn's one prom and I had to be special.

She pulled lightly on her tie. She managed to score a white suit with a lime green shirt and white tie. She'd even gotten Quinn a corsage, she had no idea how on such short notice.

"Rachel. Hi" Judy smiled, stepping aside to allow Quinn in the house "You look great"

"Thank you, ma'am. Is Quinn ready?"

"I'll just go see"

Rachel nodded, bouncing lightly on her toes as she waiting for Quinn, tugging lightly on her tie to try an get air into her lungs.

That proved impossible when Quinn appeared at the top of the stairs. Every damn cliche running through Rachel's mind as she watched her girlfriend walk down stairs.

"How did you even get a suit like that"

Rachel shrugged, holding out the open box that was holding the corsage "You look- just, uh.." Rachel decided just to nod, not able to form any kind of sentience.

"You really went all out, huh?"

"It has to be special. I even washed the car" Rachel said gaining a laugh from Quinn and her mom.

"Ok, let me get pictures"

"Mom!"

"Just a few"

Quinn rolled her eyes "just one, mom"

Rachel smiled at the blondes annoyance, wrapping one arm around the girls waist "I love you" Quinn murmured into her ear making her grin dumbly as the flash on the camera went off.

"Perfect"

Quinn rolled her eyes at her mom as she and Rachel eased out to the car.

"See it's clean"

Quinn laughed, "Yea. Yea it is"

Rachel smiled, glad that Quinn seemed happy as she drove off towards the venue.

"You sure you're ok with being here? You don't like dances"

Rachel smiled, lacing her hand with Quinn's as they walked into the building "I wouldn't rather be anywhere else"

"Ah, there are my girls" Puck said, smiling as he walked over to Rachel and Quinn.

"I'm gonna go see Santana and Britt. Don't mind do you?"

"Of course not"

"You look very dapper"

"You're jealous I look better in a suit than you"

"I beg to differ" Puck gasped and Rachel grinned.

"Keep begging"

She stood over by the wall with Puck for the next twenty minutes, just watching everyone have fun.

She smiled to herself when a slow song started playing. Pushing herself off the wall and walking over to Quinn "Dance with me?" She mumbled into the blondes ear, taking a hold of the girls hand and dragging her towards the dance floor.

Quinn frowned slightly, wrapping her arms around Rachel's neck "I thought you didn't dance?"

"I don't. But I had Ellie teach me. Apparently all you do is rock back and forth"

"So you bought a suit, a corsage, washed your car and learned to 'dance' in the space of two days?"

Rachel shrugged "I wanted this to be special for you"

"And it really is" Quinn mumbled, resting her head against Rachel's shoulder.

Rachel smiled, pressing her lips against Quinn's cheek as they swayed back and forth to the


	13. Chapter 13

**The next chapter after this one will probably be the last chapter. I really want to thank the people who have review this, it motivates me to write more. Y'all are amazing!**

* * *

Rachel woke up the next day in the hotel room, blinking against the sun as she yawned. Nothing had happened last night, they were both to exhausted to do anything but just fall into bed.

"Morning"

Rachel smiled at the sound of the voice, looking down at Quinn who had her head on Rachel's shoulder, already smiling up at the brunette "You're so beautiful" Rachel whispered, her voice still husked from sleep.

"Well look who's all Miss charming, huh?" Quinn teased, but hid her face in Rachel's neck "Last night was perfect. Everything you did for me, it was amazing"

"I hardly did anything"

"You might think that but it meant everything to me. I didn't think anyone would ever go to any kinds of lengths to make something special for me"

"I would do anything to make something special for you"

"You really do love me don't you?" Quinn asked as if the idea had only just became slightly plausible in her mind.

"You doubted the fact?"

"I didn't want to but there was always that doubt but its gone now"

"What would you say if I said I will always love you? Forever"

"I'd say forever is a really long time"

"Not long enough when it comes to spending time with you"

"My- how do you..." Quinn huffed, not able to find anything to say to Rachel's comment "Fuck, I love you"

Rachel smiled "I love you"

"We should probably get going. We have to be out of this room in ten"

Rachel groaned, swinging her legs out of the bed and grabbing her jacket "everyone's gonna think we spent the night together. Being in the same clothes as last night and all"

"We did spend the night together. Probably not how they'll think we did but whatever. Right?"

"Yea, whatever" Rachel agreed, letting Quinn take ahold of her hand and drag her out the room

* * *

_**July 14th 2013**_

_**Dear friend,**_

_**I'm going to the graduation ceremony tonight. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm happy because everyone else is happy then again I'm sad because they won't be at school anymore and I'll be back to being along. **_

_**I have to wear a tie, which I don't like but apparent it's important to be presentable. Don't know why it matters I'm not the one graduation. **_

_**Quinn leaves tomorrow to, she's going to Yale but I think I've probably already told you that. I'm trying not to think about it because when I do my stomach hurts real bad and I don't like it. **_

_**I guess I should go, we're leaving in five, bye'**_

* * *

"Why do I have to wear a tie?" Rachel grumbled, tugging on her tie as she walked out to the car

"Because you have to look presentable"

"Why? I'm not gonna be the one up there"

Rachel's dad just rolled his eyes as he started the car "Are you seeing Quinn tonight?"

"Yea. She's, uh, everyone's going to her house tonight"

"And how do you feel abou.."

"I don't wanna talk about it, dad"

The man nodded, understanding that he shouldn't push Rachel.

Rachel sighed, leaning her hands on her knees and running her hands over her face. She knew she had to hold it together for at least the next twelve hours, she didn't want to ruin anyone's day.

"Why isn't grandpa here?"

"After Christmas I think he got the fact that we wouldn't want him here"

"Oh, right"

The rest of the car ride was silence, Rachel and her dad taking their seats when they got to the school.

"I can't believe she's graduation" her dad murmured and Rachel nodded.

Her throat was closing up, she was trying to get a proper breath but it was hard due to the thought of Ellie leaving her. Leaving the state. The longest she had ever spent without Ellie was a week and even then her sister had called her every night before bed.

She was brought out of her panic by the sound of music playing and the principal walking onto the wooden stage.

She settled into her seat, not really wanted into have to sit through the speeches.

Finally the speeches were over the diplomas were handed out. The tightness in Rachel's chest loosened a little everything she saw the smiling face of her friends walk onto the stage.

She hopped down the bleachers, slamming into her sister and tackled her into a hug.

"Wrong girl. Your girlfriend is about three behind" Ellie mumbled, wrapping her arms around her sister.

"I love you, El"

"Love you to kid but your girlfriends waiting"

Rachel nodded, letting go off her sister and walking past her only to be tackled into a hug by Brittany.

Rachel laughed, allowing Brittany to pick her up and spin her in a circle.

"Ok, B. Put her down before Quinn kicks your ass"

Brittany smiled, setting Rachel on her feet and allowing Santana to drag her away.

"So you're kind of a college chick now, right?"

"I guess you could say that" Quinn replied with a shrug.

"So, I guess that means I'm dating a college chick now" Rachel teased and Quinn laughed, wrapping her arms around the girls waist.

"Behave" Quinn grinned, resting her head against Rachel's.

Rachel smiled, biting down on her bottom lip. She felt happy, maybe it was because Quinn was smiling that smile that made her eyes sparkle or maybe she actually was happy.

"You have no idea how thankful I am that you're here. I didn't think you would come"

"I wouldn't have missed it"

"And you're ok?" Quinn asked, using her hands to smooth down Rachel's hair before cupping the girls cheeks.

"I'm fine, Quinn. Stop worrying"

"Ok, then I want you to meet my grandparents"

"What? You can't just drop something like that on me without warning!"

"You'll be fine, I promise" Quinn smiled, pulling back and grabbing Rachel's hand as she dragged her over to her family "Nan, Pops this is Rachel"

"Rachel, huh?" The man said, his voice laced with a strong southern accent.

Rachel just nodded, not really sure what to say.

"She's a shy one" the woman pointed out, smiling sweetly at Rachel "How are you, sweetie?"

"F-fine, ma'am"

"She's just nervous. I sort if just sprung this on her"

"Don't be nervous kid, we're really not all that intimidation"

Rachel smiled because she was a good judge of character and she liked these people, the woman's smile reminded her of Quinn.

"Quinn has told us a lot about you"

"She has?"

The man nodded "You were all we heard about over Christmas time"

"Pops!"

"Harry, stop. You're embarrassing Quinnie" the woman said, slapping her husband lightly on the chest before smiling up at him.

"Oh, god, this was a bad idea" Quinn mumbled, glaring at a grinning Rachel "We're leaving, see you guys at home"

"Bye, ma'am. Sir" Rachel smiled back at the couple as Quinn dragged her towards her car.

"Everyone is hanging out at my house tonight"

Rachel nodded, sitting in the passenger seat "No problem, Quinnie"

"Jerk"

Rachel grinned when Quinn reached across and grabbed onto her hand and lacing them together before resting them on the gear stick.

"You were really beautiful up there today" Rachel whispered, smiling over at Quinn when they stopped outside her house.

Quinn smiled, leaning across the center console and pressed her lips against Rachel's "I love you" Quinn sighed, resting her head against Rachel's and cupping the girls cheeks.

Rachel fisted Quinn's shirt and closed her eyes "I love you , too"

Quinn grinned, leaning forward again to kiss Rachel but stopped when someone rapped loudly on the window.

"Party time, Barbie! Get your ass into the house!" Santana snapped before walking up to Quinn's porch.

Quinn rolled her eyes, pecking Rachel in the lips before getting out the car.

Quinn took a hold of Rachel's hand as they walked towards the house and, even after all this time, Rachel smiled bashfully down at her feet.

"No drugs Evans. I mean it" Quinn warned, pointing at Sam.

The boy held his hands up, joint perched between his thumb and pointer finger "It's like you have no faith in me"

"Says the boy with a joint in his hand"

Sam just laughed, puffing out a ball of smoke.

"Time are your parents due back?" Marley asked as Rachel and Quinn sat down on the sofa.

"Midnight, so you will all have to be out by then" Quinn smiled, taking a drink out of the beer Puck had just handed her.

"Beer, Mini Berry?"

Rachel shook her head "I don't like drinking"

Marley smiled and nodded "Atta girl"

"You want some, Berry?" Sam asked, leaning over the back of the sofa and holding out his joint.

"No thanks"

"Sam! What did I warn you!"

"No drugs. Right" the boy nodded, taking as long of a drag as he could wore stubbing the joint out in the ashtray.

"Why're you so quiet?" Quinn asked once everyone began talking amongst themselves.

Rachel rubbed her palms against her pants before looking up at Quinn with a smile "I'm not"

"You are" Quinn replied taking a hold of Rachel hands "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Nothing" Rachel stressing, looking at her girlfriend "Please stop asking. I promised myself I would hold it together until tomorrow but I would be able to do that if you keep asking me if I'm ok"

Quinn frowned, standing up and dragging Rachel into the kitchen "Rachel, I don't want you to hold it together"

Rachel knew Quinn was just saying that, the last thing the blonde wanted to deal with was her crazy-ass girlfriend breaking down.

"Well I do. And I am, I'm fine. I'll _be _fine"

Quinn sighed, knowing it was pointless even trying to argue with Rachel.

"I don't want you to worry about me. Not tonight and not when you're gone"

Quinn chuckled, putting her hands on Rachel's cheeks and pressing her forehead against the brunette "I'm always gonna worry about you, I would worry about you if you hadn't told me all the thing about you as well, because I love you and I guess that's just what happened when you love someone"

"Doesn't it piss you off?" Rachel asked, looking through her eyelashes at Quinn "Having to look after me. I wouldn't think I was worth it"

"I'm not _looking after you, _I'm there for you, there's a difference. But yes, if I had to look after you it would be worth it. You're worth it"

Rachel bit down on her trembling bottom lip, willing herself not to cry because she promised she wouldn't until Quinn had left "I just- I love you. Really love you"

"I really love you, too" Quinn said and Rachel believe her. It wasn't that she didn't think Quinn loved her before but there's a difference between _'love'_ and _'really love'_ "You're over thinking. Stop it" the blonde mumbled, leaning forward and taking Rachel's bottom lip in between hers.

"Anywhere but in the kitchen" Santana murmured, reaching around the couple to grab the bowl of chips

Quinn rolled her eyes, glaring at a grinning Santana.

"Keep it clean, girls" Santana called over her shoulder as she popped a chip into her mouth and disappearing back into the kitchen.

"Come on, we'll go back into the front room" Quinn said, pressing her lips against Rachel's cheek and pulling her into the front room.

* * *

"You know, I _love _you Quinn" Santana said, stumbled over her feet as Quinn carried her to the door.

"Yea yea. I love you to" Quinn chuckled, gripping tighter onto Santana's waist as she helped her into the cab.

"You, Berry, you're one of the coolest people I know!" Brittany said, poking her finger into Rachel's shoulder as Rachel panted and leant the girl against the side of the cab.

"Thank you, Brittany"

Brittany just grinned, getting in the other side of the cab and allowing Rachel to close the door.

Quinn told the driver where to go and have him money before stepping back and allowing him to drive off.

"There're really something" Rachel mumbled as she stepped back onto the sidewalk next to Quinn.

"Drunk Santana and Brittany are always a blast"

"I should go, it's almost midnight"

"Uh, actually, maybe you could stay? I still have packing to do so I'll probably be up all night anyway"

Rachel nodded, letting Quinn grab her hand and pull her upstairs.

It was like a punch in the chest when Rachel walked into the room. The room that was once full of pictures and dumb little toys lined up on the dresser was now empty, just plain white walls and a bed without any sheets.

"I just have my clothes to pack away" Quinn said, walking farther into the room, seemingly unaware that Rachel was close to passing out.

"O-ok" Rachel nodded woodenly as she sat down on the bed.

Quinn pulled out a suitcase from under her bed and threw it down on top of her bed before turning towards her wardrobe

"So what's it like in New Haven?"

"It's nice, different"

Rachel just nodded, rubbing her hands on her jeans as she laid back on the bed, tucking her hands under the pillow bellow her head. Why didn't it smell like Quinn anymore?

"You tired?"

Rachel shook her head, watching Quinn as the girl considerate on her clothes, folding them and placed them in her case.

"What time do you leave tomorrow?"

"Nine am, Noah's driving me"

"Is he staying there?"

"For two days then he's driving back"

"Ok"

"You ok with that?"

"Yea. Of course"

"Rachel, stop holding back. Just talk to me" Quinn said, chucking her case on the floor and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I love you"

"Sweet but not what I meant"

Rachel sighed, her hand falling onto Quinn's.

The blonde smiled slightly, lying down on the bed next to Rachel, her nose lightly touching the girls.

"You're perfect, you know that?" Quinn whispered, her hands wrapping her Rachel's.

"I am?" Rachel asked, frowning in confusion.

"Yes. I know I won't ever find someone like you again"

"You sound like you're breaking up with me"

"No, I'm not. I'm just saying that- I don't know" Quinn frowned, trying figure out how to phrase it "You believe in soul mates?"

"I didn't before"

"And now?"

"I don't know. I mean I had this twisting feeling in my tummy when I saw you for the first time but I don't know what that means"

Quinn smiled, rolling over so that she was hovering over Rachel "You're so cute"

Rachel sat up on her elbows and pressed her lips against Quinn, taking the blonde but surprise but after a couple of seconds Quinn was kissing back, one hand in Rachel's hair and the other pressed into the mattress to keep all of her weight off Rachel.

"You sure?" Quinn breathed against Rachel's lips when the brunette slid her hands under her shirt.

Rachel nodded, letting to a shaky breath as her top lip brushed lightly against Quinn's before kissing the blonde again.

Quinn nodded, more to herself than Rachel, and slid her hand down from Rachel's hair to her knee, bending the brunettes knee around her waist.


	14. Chapter 14

**ok, so this is a real short chapter but it is also not the last chapter. the last chapter will be up tomorrow, maybe, it depends how much time i have to finish it but its one of my main priorities. Thank you for all your reviews, they mean a hell of a lot to me.**

* * *

Rachel frowned against the sun, trying to open her eyes but it hurt to much.

She flinched slightly when someone touched the side of her face, dragging their fingers from her cheek. After a few seconds everything came back to her. Where she was. Who she was with. What an unbelievable night she'd had.

She grinned, leaning closer to Quinn and hid her face in the shade of the blondes neck.

"Morning, love" Quinn whispered into her ear, pressing her lips against her temple.

"Morning" Rachel mumbled against Quinn's neck making the blonde smile.

"You ok?"

"Never been better. Are you?"

"Same" Quinn said, gliding her fingertip down Rachel's bare side.

"What time is it?"

"Half eight"

"We should get up and get dressed then" Rachel murmured, sitting up and grabbing her clothes.

"Last night was the best night of my life" Quinn whispered, leaning up on her elbow and ran her fingertips down Rachel's spine as the brunette pulled her pants on.

"Mine too" Rachel agreed, grinning as she pulled on her bra and shirt "I can't do I tie" Rachel said, turning to Quinn as the girl swung her legs out of the bed and pulled on a hoodie that just grazed her thighs.

"Come here" Quinn smiled, walking around the bed and pulling the tie from around Rachel's neck "It's the wrong way around for one"

Rachel smiled, watching Quinn as she looped and pulled at her tie until it was a prefect knot around her neck.

"I love you" Quinn whispered, tugging lightly on Rachel's tie.

"I love you, too"

Quinn smiled, pulling lightly on Rachel's tie until the brunettes lips were pressed against hers.

"Quinn we should get..." Puck started, walking into Quinn's room but stopped shot when he was the girls.

"Noah! Get out!" Rachel snapped, standing in front of Quinn the shield her from Puck's view.

"Right, sorry. We have to leave soon, Quinn" the boy said as he pulled the door closed.

"You're cute when you're protective" Quinn said, resting her chin on Rachel's shoulder and smiled.

"I didn't want him looking at your legs"

"You realize Puck's seen my naked before, right?"

Rachel spun around to look at Quinn "What? When!"

"When we were four" Rachel playfully glared at Quinn.

"That's not the same thing"

Quinn chuckled "I gotta get dressed"

Rachel nodded, walking past Quinn and lying back down on the bed. She was still tired which is understandable since she didn't get to sleep until about six.

"How long will it take you to get to Yale?"

"About eleven hours I think. Puck did all the research"

"Ok, you'll call me when you're there won't you?"

"Of course"

Rachel nodded against her arm, turning her head to watch Quinn as the girl pulled on a pair of pants. Rachel couldn't help her eyes from wandering over Quinn's back, wondering how it was that muscly, Quinn never worked out.

"I can feel you staring"

Rachel just hummed because she wasn't actually sure _what_ Quinn had said.

Once Quinn was dressed she threw the rest of her things into her suitcase and headed downstairs with Rachel.

Puck took the case out of Quinn's hand and walked a little in front of them as they headed out to the truck.

Everyone was there. Santana. Marley. Even Kitty.

Quinn said by to everyone, friends and family before stopping at Rachel "I love you" Quinn said, cupping Rachel's cheeks and pulling her into a kiss.

It took every bit I control, which wasn't really all that much anymore, for Rachel to tell herself to kiss back.

"I love you, too" Rachel whispered breathlessly but not because of the kiss. She could feel it already, the dark fuzziness.

"You sure.."

"Yes, Quinn" Rachel said because she knew what Quinn was going to ask "Now go. And text me when you're there"

Quinn nodded, reluctantly getting into the car and rolling down the window "You mean everything to me, Rachel"

Rachel just nodded because knew if she opened her mouth she would cry or scream. Maybe both.

Quinn smiled one last time before Puck peeled away from the sidewalk.

"You need a ride, Rachel?" Santana asked and Rachel shook her head.

"I'm gonna walk home"

"Are you sure?"

"Yea" Rachel sad and turned before anyone could say anything.

She felt drunk walking home, not being able to remember how she'd walked the past few steps and by the time she got home she knew she was losing it.

No one was home, but she guessed she'd have to use to that. Being lonely.

The first thing she did was pick up her phone when she got home and called her sister.

"What's up, kid?"

She knew her mom dying wasn't her fault. She didn't hold the gun to her head but her dad dying was her fault and she knew that.

"Rachel?"

"You know, mom dying, that wasn't really my fault" Rachel said, her mind having no control over her body anymore as she pulled on her tie in attempt to her to off but it was just rubbing friction burns into the back of her neck "But daddy, him dying was my fault"

"Rachel? What're you talking about?"

"Do you ever wish I wasn't born? You would be an only child and daddy would be here, maybe ever mom. I'm sure you and dad would be better off if I wasn't here"

She could hear mumbling on the other end of the phone as she put it down on the table and headed into her dads room, picking up the medium size box on his bedside table and headed into the front room again.

Ellie was still calling her name on the other side of the phone but she was to far inside her head to do anything. Nothing seemed real. She could see the TV, hear the TV but it wasn't on because she didn't turn it on. And the clock, why was that so loud.

_Tick. Tick. Tick _

She cupped her hands over her ears before using one of them to pop the pills in the silver wrapping onto the table.

She closed her eyes, trying to drown out all the noise around her as she shakily took the pills into both of her hands and tilted her head back to help her swallow them before laying back on the sofa and closing her eyes


	15. Chapter 15

**so this is the last chapter, thank you to everyone who stuck with this story and reviewed, it meant a lot.**

**As for a sequel i might do one but i wouldn't count on it just yet, sorry :/**

* * *

She didn't really remember much from before, it was like a foggy dream she was waking up from to see Puck standing in front of her.

"How you doing kid?"

"Yea, fine" Rachel mumbled, her voice husked as she tried to remember anything after leaving Quinn's house "Where am I?"

"You're in the hospital, Rachel. You haven't spoken to anyone since you got here"

"What? Why, what happened?"

"You had a break down the day Quinn left. You went home and called your sister, she though you were gonna.." Puck stopped, making a slight chocked up noise and that made Rachel's chest hurt. She'd never, and never thought she would, saw Puck cry before "Fuck, Rachel. You had us all terrified"

"I'm sorry"

"No, it's ok. I love you, alright. And just because you're in this town alone doesn't mean you are alone, ok? Either one of us is just phone call away"

Rachel nodded, her mind still foggy and jumbled "Where's Ellie?"

"New York. She wanted to stay but couldn't. She'll be back soon though. Quinn to, she on her way now"

"Really?" Rachel asked, the corner of her lips twitching into a smile.

"Yea, really. Marley was here yesterday, you remember?"

"No, is she ok?"

"Yea, just worried sick"

"I don't want people to worry about me"

"You're in a mental hospital, Rachel. We're gonna worry"

"Sir, a young woman is here claiming she is Miss Berry's girlfriend. Miss Berry is only aloud one visitor at a time right now so I am going to have to ask you to leave"

Puck nodded, pressing his lips against Rachel's head "Love you, kid"

"Love you too"

Puck smiled, getting to his feet and leaving.

Rachel sighed, getting to her feet and sitting up on the windowsill. Why couldn't she remember anything?

"Rach?" Quinn mumbled, tentatively walking into the room.

"Hey. Don't worry, I won't hurt you. I'm not that kind of crazy"

Quinn smiled, shaking her head lightly "How're you?"

"Fine. The week has dragged in though" Rachel said, trying to act like she had any kind of prospect of time though, truthfully, she didn't think she'd been in here more than a few days

"A week? Rachel you've been in here a month and a half " Quinn said, frowning as she sat in the bed

"Really?"

"Yea. What's the last thing you remember? Anything over this past month and a half?"

Rachel tried to think, running her hands over her face before tangling them in her hair and pulling slightly "N-no. I don't- why can't I remember anything?"

"Hey, shh. It's ok, you're..."

"No" Rachel warned, holding up her hand to stop Quinn talking "Don't tell me that I'm fine because I know I'm not!"

"What?" Quinn frowned, looking at the brunette.

"I just- you're the one person that I'm trust to say 'well shit, Rachel, aren't you just a little batshit crazy'"

"You are a little batshit crazy but that doesn't mean you aren't fine"

"I just- I don't feel..."

"Hey" Quinn mumbled softly, getting off the bed and walking over to Rachel and put her hands on the girls cheeks "What is it?"

"Please" Rachel whispered, her voice cracking slightly as she tried to stop herself from crying "Please just- just fix me. Please"

"I can't fix you and I cant fix your problems, Rachel. but I promise you won't be facing them alone"

"I-I need you, Quinn. Please tell me you need me too? At least just a little bit?"

"Jesus, Rachel. You have no idea how much I need you!" Quinn breathed, wrapping her arms around Rachel's neck, her heart cracking a little more when Rachel began sobbing into her neck.

"I so scared, Quinn. I can't- I don't know what's happening to me" Rachel choked out, sobbing louder into the blondes neck "I'm really scared"

"Shh" Quinn hushed, her eyes filling with tears as she ran her hand up and down Rachel's back "I know you are, Labrat. I know. I'm scared to but we're gonna get through this"

"I don't- I don't wanna drag you down, Quinn. You have to concentrate on your school work. Maybe we..."

"Don't you dare. I know what you're thinking so _don't_!" Quinn warned, sniffing as she pulled back to look at Rachel "I will concentrate on school but I will be here for you too. If I fail, school will always be there the year after but you might not be"

"I broke a promise" Rachel whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Which promise?"

"When I got home the day you left I though about- I had the pills in my hand"

A sob wrecked its way though Quinn's body as she left her head rest against Rachel's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry"

"No, don't. Don't apologize because it's not your fault. Besides you didn't..." Quinn stopped when Rachel ducked you head "You did?" Quinn wheezed out, a fresh round of tears spilling from her eyes and she ran her hands over her face.

"I can't remember exactly. It's kind if foggy. I don't remember anything after lying on the sofa other then Ellie grabbing my face and then it's all blank until I saw Noah today"

"Why hasn't anyone told me this!" Quinn hissed, not towards Rachel or anyone really.

"I'm glad you didn't know"

"What?"

"If you knew you might not have been able to concentrate on school"

"Fuck school, Rachel. You are my main priority!"

"This is your dream school, Quinn. I couldn't handle it if I was the reason you got kicked out"

Quinn sighed "I know. I just- I don't know. I want to go back because, you know, it's Yale but I don't because I'm terrified that if I leave, that will be the last time I ever see you"

"I-I was out of it the day you left. My head was messed up, it won't happen again"

"What happens the next time something messes your head up?"

"I'll call you. Or my sister. Or Noah"

"You promise?"

"Do my promises mean anything anymore? After breaking one?"

"Well it's all I have so yes, they mean something"

"How long are you aloud to be here for?"

"'til seven so I think I have a couple of minutes. I wasn't aloud to bring my watch or anything in with me"

Rachel nodded, turning to dangle her legs off the side of the windowsill and nudged her head to signal for the girl to walk over.

Quinn didn't think twice about walking over and standing in between Rachel's legs, resting her hands on her thighs as Rachel placing her hands on Quinn's cheeks

"I'm going to try my hardest to get better Quinn, I promise"

"I know you will, Labrat. And you'll be back to your semi-crazy self in no time"

Rachel smiled, squeezing her eyes closed and pressing her lips against Quinn's. There wasn't much to the kiss, just a pressing together of lips but that's what Rachel needed right now.

"Ma'am, visiting time is over" one of the doctors said, peeking her head in the door.

Quinn sighed, resting her head against Rachel's "Ok" she breathed, pulling back after pecking Rachel on the lips again "Four weeks and I'll be back for two weeks before going to Yale for the start of the school year"

"I love you"

"I love you, too. Always" Quinn smiled, pulling Rachel into a hug before turning and leaving the room.

Rachel looked around the room, finding it hard to believe that this felt like that first time she was seeing everything if she'd been in there for a month and a half.

"Miss Berry. How're you feeling?"

"I wanna call my sister"

"Your sister?"

"Yes. My sister"

The doctor nodded "Follow me"

"Do you have her number, I can't remember it?"

"We do. I'll just go grab it" the doctor disappeared to the office and emerged with a piece of paper "Please try and hurry up. I'm not supposed to let you use the phone after seven"

Rachel nodded, punching in the number on the paper and trapped the receiver between her ear and shoulder.

"Hello?" Ellie murmured and Rachel could tell just by her voice she was exhausted.

"El?"

"Rach?" Ellie said, her voice much brighter than before "Jesus, kid. How're you?"

"Confused. And I feel like you're the one person who can tell me everything that happened" Rachel whispered, leaning her head against the cool wall.

"You sure you're ready for that?"

"I need it, El. I don't remember anything from the last month and a half and I don't know what I've done and it's scary"

"Nothing? You don't remember anything?"

"No" Rachel mumbled, the limb in her throat coming back "I thought I'd been in here for less than a week but Quinn said I've been in here a month and a half"

"You have, kid"

"Why am I in here?"

"Well the day Quinn left you went home and called me at Natalie's you were saying that mom dying wasn't entirely your fault but daddy dying was. I knew just by your voice that there was something wrong and then you starting saying about how if you were never born daddy would still be alive and mum might be to. Then you started saying that if you weren't alive dad and I would be happier and that's when I told Natalie to call the police and I started driving home. I tried to talk to you all the way home but you went away from the phone, I don't know we're you went but when I got home you were..." Ellie stopped and Rachel could hear her trying to swallow the lump in her throat "You were passed out on the sofa with dads sleeping pills box in your hand. I, uh, I didn't know what to do" Ellie said and Rachel could tell her sister was crying now so Rachel couldn't help but cry to because that's just what happens when your older sibling cries "You were so pale and cold. I called an ambulance and then I just sat there next to you, I felt so helpless because I thought you were gonna die and I couldn't do anything about it. You're my baby sister and I could do anything"

"Stop it" Rachel breathed, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

"When the ambulance came they had you hooked up to an IV before you'd even got to the hospital. You didn't wake up for two days and even then you didn't speak. You didn't even _look _at dad and I, you looked so distant, like you were so far inside your head that you would never come out. I was terrified that you'd be like that forever and I wanted to stay but I had to go to early classes in New York so dad made me leave. I'll be home in a week though and I'll come see you everyday until I got back to school"

"When will I get out of here?"

"I don't know, kid. Once you're better I guess"

"How do I get better?"

Ellie was silent for a couple of second before speaking "I wish I knew what to tell you, sweetie. I feel like I should be able to help you but this is all down to you"

"Miss Berry, I'm sorry but you have to hang up in the next minute"

Rachel nodded "I've gotta go, El"

"Ok, but look after yourself, kid. You'll be out of there in no time"

"I hope so. Bye El"

"Love you, kid" Ellie said before hanging up.

Rachel sighed, placing the phone back on the hook and resting her head against the wall.

"Are you alright, Miss Berry?" Rachel nodded, drawing in a shaky breath before turning and heading back to her room.

She smiled when she saw a gray hoodie on her bed with 'Yale' printed on it. She couldn't even remember Quinn leaving it but she didn't thing twice about pulling it on and wrapping her arms around herself.

* * *

_**September 31st 2013**_

_**Dear friend,**_

_** I know I haven't written in of these in almost two months but I had a bit of a break down and this is the doctors just allowing me to have sharp things like pencils in my room. **_

_**I know you probably think its no surprise that I'm a little crazy but I'm getting out **__**tonight**__** so I must be better. Or less crazy than last month which isn't exactly hard. **_

_**My dads on his way with Ellie. I can't wait to see my sisters, I haven't seen her for about three weeks. **_

_**I haven't seen Quinn in a month but she's at Yale, which is her dream school, and that makes me happy, I think. **_

_**Everyone else has come to see me. Santana, Brittany, Sam, Puck, Marley and even Kitty which was a little strange but surprisingly I was happy to see her. She spoke to me different than the rest of them did, she was a little less cautious and that's kinda what I needed, you know? It kinda made me feel human again. **_

_**The doctors here are nice, patronizing but nice. They said that I'm Schizophrenic, which I thought was what serial killers were and it is but the doctor explained how there are all different types and severities of the illness. He said that mines isn't the most sever that he'd seen but it still wasn't something to laugh at. The doctors I'd saw before never said that. They just said I was anxious and depressed and the doctor here said that that's what caused them to give me the wrong kind of medication so this wasn't my fault, I was kind of enviable. **_

_**I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I mean I'm happy that I'm finally getting the right medication and they've been working but I'm also sad that I have this illness but I think I can deal with it. **_

_**I'd better go and finish putting my things in my bag before my dad picks me up. Bye.**_

* * *

She pulled on her Yale hoodie and sat in the edge of the bed waiting for her dad to come.

The one good, maybe even bad, thing about the medication is that she doesn't think too much. After a few minute of thinking her brain just seems to turn off and she guesses that, right now, it's good but she wasn't sure how it would be when she was back to school.

"Rachel, sweetie"

Rachel blinked, bringing her attention back to reality and looked at the person who'd spoken too her.

A smile spread across her lips when she was Ellie standing in front of her, jumping off the bed and wrapping her arms around her sister "Nice sweater but I got you an NYU one and we're better than Yale" Ellie teased and Rachel grinned, just happy to see her sister "Dads outside signing some stuff, you ready to go?"

"Yea, I have everything packed" Rachel grabbed her case and notebook.

"What's that?"

"Nothing. Just something the school councilor told me to do"

"Can I see?"

"No" Rachel said simply, walking out of the room.

"Let me take that" her dad said, kissing the top of her head before grabbing her case.

Rachel and Ellie followed their dad to the car "Shotgun" Rachel called, grinning at her sister over her shoulder and skipping round to the passenger side.

Ellie growled, not used to Rachel wanting to be in the front seat because she never did before.

"What a dork" Ellie murmured as she got into the backseat.

"Are you glad to be out, Rachel?" Her dad asked, looking over at his daughter.

"So glad. I missed simple things like my bed and my pajamas"

"Well we're glad to have you back"

"When're you going back to New York?"

"Two days"

"How is college?"

Ellie looked kind of shocked by the question but nodded anyway "Good, it's different from school. Better"

"That's good. And you're classes?"

"Well they haven't really started but I think they'll be good"

Rachel nodded as they pulled up outside the house and Rachel instantly smiled at the site of Puck's and Santana's car.

She hoped out the car before it had ever stopped and headed into the house, within seconds there was a set of arms wrapped around her waist.

Brittany picked her up and spun her around making Rachel laugh.

"There's our favorite little psychopath" Santana teased, hugging Rachel when Brittany put her down.

Then Marley hugged her, then Puck, Kitty, Sam and Jake. Apparently he was over her being a bitch.

Rachel smiled, turning to sit on the sofa but stopped short when she saw Quinn sitting there "Quinn?"

"Yup" Quinn said but before she could stand up Rachel had already tackled her into a hug on the sofa "Hi to you to" Quinn chuckled, smiling when Rachel pulled back and pushed their lips together.

"Ok, ladies, you have company don't forget" Santana teased making Rachel pull back and grin at Quinn.

"You look better since the last time I saw you. More there if you get me? You were pretty out of it when I was visiting"

"I feel better. I really do"

"Nice sweeter"

Rachel looked down at her hoodie and smiled "Yea, thank you"

"Still not better than the one I got you. NYU" Ellie said and Quinn rolled her eyes.

"Put the football game on" Puck said, pushing the girls legs off the sofa and sitting down "Preseason. Giants and Cowboys"

"Yea, lets watch the Cowboys kick as Giants asses" Marley said, hitting Puck in the back of the head and sitting on the armchair.

Rachel smiled as Quinn wrapped her arms around her waist and pulled her close against her, dipping her head until her lips were next to Rachel's ear "You're the love of my life, you know?"

Rachel turned her head, letting her nose brush lightly against Quinn's "You're the love of my life too. Forever"

"Forever" Quinn agreed, pushing hair back behind Rachel's ears and leaving her palm on the brunettes cheek.

Rachel grinned, pushing forward to press her lips against Quinn.

"Jesus, control yourselves. Hormonal teens" Kitty tutted, rolling her eyes playfully.

Rachel just resting her head again Quinn's shoulder, smiling when the blonde pressed a lingering kiss on her head before leaning her cheek on her hair.

She wasn't cured, probably never really would be but she knew it wasn't going to be as bad before.

_**'So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.' **_


End file.
